


Little Heavy Burdens

by m_ira



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, best friends au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-08-18 23:31:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 44,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8179892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m_ira/pseuds/m_ira
Summary: Clarke Griffin is in love with her best friend. It just takes her some time to realize it.After running away from home when finding out that her mother is responsible for her father’s death and ending up shivering and sobbing on Lexa’s front porch, a journey of self discovery, facing change and dealing with heartbreak ensues.  orA Best Friends AU





	1. Bruises

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't written creatively since 6th grade and this was such a great and therapeutic experience, so i thought i'd share
> 
> hope you enjoy reading as much as i enjoyed writing it :)

_Trees are whisperin' a story untold_  
_Birds hummin' tunes, oh so old_  
_I'd rather trade my mouth for a beak_  
_'Cause all we do is fight whenever we speak_

 _Even though we messed up bad I still love you_  
_And I hope that in your life you will succeed_  
_And when you're deep down and out it's okay to bleed_  
_So tell me what to do now_  
_Am I the only one who hasn't figured this out?_

 _What once was_  
_Is now gone_  
  
_But the bruises on my soul_  
_Bruises on my soul_

She really didn’t think this through.

Running away from home this late hadn’t been one of her best decisions but she hadn’t been able to bear the presence of her mother any longer after the fight they had had and all the hurt she felt. As another sob fought its way up her throat she pulled her sweat jacket tighter around her body, shivering in the cold air of late September and pressing herself farther into the corner of the tiny hut to escape the wind a little better.

She was such a mess inside. There was so much sadness and anger and confusion clouding her thoughts. Screaming at her mother like that and stabbing at her with those sharp and hurtful words didn’t make her feel better at all. Rather, worse. She wasn’t sure if, or when, she could go back home.

Again and again car lights illuminated her face as they passed by the little bus hut she was sitting in. She sat there for at least fifteen minutes, shivering and sobbing and trying to soothe her inner turmoil when the rusty, old, blue bus finally arrived. Thankfully it was a Wednesday evening, which meant that the last bus into the city drove at 8:50, instead of 6:50 like on the weekends.

She pulled herself up on shaky legs, her body exhausted after all that screaming and the emotional rollercoaster she went through, showed the driver her ticket and placed herself in a spot that wasn’t under one of the few lights that bathed the inside in a yellowish glow. There was only one person she knew who would make her feel at least a little better right now and could help her figure out where to go from here.

As the bus set off on its twenty minute journey she tried to push the recent events aside and rather let her insides be filled with the warmth she always felt when she thought of her best friend. Lexa was so inherently good. No one in the world made her feel so safe and silently understood since the death of her father. It had been nearly two and a half years since he had passed away and a little over two since Lexa had first walked into her classroom a few weeks after the school year started, with a stitched up laceration adorning her hairline and her left arm in a cast.

Her teacher had thought it would be a great idea to pair the two up since she had been isolating herself more and more from the rest of the class, ignoring Wells completely and only talking with Monty and Raven when she had to. And what a great idea it was. In the beginning both of them had been equally closed off, Lexa clearly not interested in making any friends. But when they had to prepare a presentation together and Lexa suggested that they could draw something, which resulted in her trying and failing miserably, she took over after first refusing, giving up her talent the day her father died. The smile that had adorned Lexa’s face after she saw the amazing sketch she had created was one of the most beautiful and rewarding things she came across in months and resulted in an inner excitement to try and make it happen again.  

Lexa was so smart. In fact so smart, that she had put it upon herself to guarantee that she would be able to get further education after school ended next year. That girl knew literally everything, was fascinated by the most trivial things, like squids and flowers, but also into literature and politics, and her sharp green eyes never failed to notice what happened around her. She smiled at herself as she thought of the 1500 bucks she had already made over the past ten months through a patreon page and art commissions for fanart and whatnot, drawing until one or two in the morning nearly every night, but the face that Lexa would make when she showed her the bank account on their last day of school would be worth all the effort and tired mornings.

Lexa was so good and caring. So soft on the one hand but also strong on the other. She would start to cry, ushering her tears away with the long tender fingers of her right hand while her left would push up her black rimmed glasses, telling her about her last foster family and how she had tried so hard to stop her foster dad from beating up little Tris relentlessly, how she had clung to his back, had scratched his face and had pounded her fists into his liver and kidney until she had been thrown against the sink, making her black out before he had smashed in Tris’ head in his fury. She would grit her teeth and stomp over the schoolyard when she saw some big brainless dudes harass the younger students, fierce and protective and making them swallow under her steely gaze. Lexa would smile this tiny flustered smile when she got praise from a teacher or her best friend and she would hide in the bathroom only letting her best friend in when the mass of people got too overwhelming and loud for her brain, embracing the quiet and the soft touch of understanding and reassurance.

As the bus rolled over a bump on the road she thought back to the dream she had had a few nights ago. She had furiously tried to ignore it at first, then it had been overshadowed by all the drama in her life anyway. But now her thoughts strayed back to it, to the peaceful atmosphere, the calmness and safety of Lexa’s embrace, her touch, the feel of her plump, rosy lips on her own and she felt weirded out by herself all over again.

Outside, the hospital and research facility came into view and the earlier argument slapped back into her face, pulling her thoughts away from thinking about kissing her best friend and towards the harsh events of the evening. She pulled her legs up and hugged her shins tightly, humming one of the tunes her dad had used to comfort her with all those years ago when she couldn’t sleep, trying to just shut off her brain until she was in Lexa’s presence and could be comforted by her, staying like that, swaying lightly back and forth in her seat for the next ten minutes of her ride.

When she got out of the old blue can the cold breeze hit her warmed up legs and torso again, nibbling at her relentlessly while she made her way up the hill in the dim light of the sparsely scattered street lights into the sketchy neighborhood where Lexa’s foster home was situated.

She rang the bell once and shortly afterwards Quint opened the door, his lips pressed together tightly, looking at her with distaste and his voice strained.

“Clarke.”

“Hello Quint. May I talk to Lexa for a second?”

He was the son of Titus, Lexa’s foster father, and looked after Lexa and Aden when Titus went out at night. ‘Looking after’ being a synonym for treating Lexa like dirt. In the background she could make out Aden sitting on the staircase, watching her. He was one of the reasons why Lexa refused to tell her social worker about all the stuff Quint did to her; not wanting to change homes again and leave the little, thin, blonde boy alone. ‘It could be worse, it _was_ worse’, was what she had said to Clarke in a heated debate a few months back. As long as she was the one getting punished for nothing it was a price she was willing to pay; always planning on how to take care of Aden after she reached her 18 th birthday and would be out of the system for good. The other reason was Clarke, of course. Nothing, no pain and abuse in the world, could bring her to leave this family, if it meant she would be taken to another city and away from her, which made Clarke’s heart ache.

Quint took in her appearance for a second. Rustled blonde hair from the wind, shivering in her thin jacket, red eyes from crying and mascara smeared, hugging her arms around her stomach and surely in distress and need of her friend.

“Lexa isn’t allowed to leave the house or have visitors after 9. You can talk tomorrow at school.”

With that he shut the door in Clarke’s face with a loud thump. Clarke sagged down onto the front porch letting her head fall into her hands, cursing herself for not taking her phone from her room before storming out of the house. At least she would be able to call Lexa and let her know she’s in front of her door. Sobs rumbled their way up her ribcage again and tears were prickling at her eyes when a tiny thud behind her made her jump. She turned her head back to the door or rather the little window right next to it where Aden had pressed a fist against the glass right next to his face, casting his eyes to the left every few seconds to check if Quint was still in the next room. Clarke twisted the rest of her upper body pressing her palms to the wooden floor to look at Aden better. He pointed his finger to his right and waited for Clarke to nod until he made his way to the back of the house to let her slip in.

Carefully she headed around the house to the glass door at the back where Aden waited for her tensely, his eyes darting back into the house steadily.

“Hey buddy,” she said with a quiet and soft voice, giving him a sad smile which he returned and pressing him into a side hug after they were both standing in the dark room.

“Are you okay?” he whispered with big and scared eyes, swallowing visibly.

“No. But don’t worry, I’ll figure it out eventually. Do you think Lexa has a little time for me?”

He gave her a little nod, not quite pleased with the answer that one of his favorite people was clearly in distress, but knew that Lexa would be able to help Clarke with it. “Yeah, she is in her room. I’ll try to keep Quint in the kitchen for as long as possible. He always checks on her around ten on weekdays and then locks her in. Please be careful.”

“Thanks Aden. You, too.” She pressed a soft kiss to his forehead before they made their way through the dark. They parted ways at the staircase, Clarke sneaking up while Aden made his way into the lit kitchen. After a moment Clarke could hear him and Quint talking.

Quietly, Clarke made her way across the hallway stopping in front of Lexa’s door and swallowing hard. She contemplated if it had been the right choice to come here at night in the middle of the week or if she should rather have dealt with her problems on her own. After all, Lexa would get in terrible trouble if Quint found Clarke in her room. Quint loathed Clarke, deeming her a bad influence, the reason for that unclear to Clarke. Probably because she was someone who cared for Lexa and knew how he treated her behind closed doors, afraid that she would spill someday. Or just because he wanted Lexa to stay isolated from the outside world.

After taking another deep breath, keeping in the back of her mind to let her be comforted by Lexa for only a short time so she could climb out of the window or something relatively soon, she pressed down the door handle and went inside, Lexa turning in her chair immediately and staring at her with big eyes over the rim of her glasses that had slipped down her nose a little bit.

As soon as the door was closed and Clarke stood in the room and looked at her best friend the events of the night overwhelmed her again and tears started to run down her cheeks instantly. “Lexa” she choked taking rushed steps forward. Lexa pushed herself out of her chair, still looking confused and worried as Clarke threw her arms around her waist, pressing her face into Lexa’s neck while Lexa enveloped Clarke’s shoulders tightly, murmuring comforting nonsense.

After a moment Clarke pulled back carefully and Lexa let her arms go loose so both of them were able to look at each other. Lexa was patiently waiting for Clarke to gather her thoughts while she used her right hand to wipe away the watery streak on Clarke’s left cheek.

“M...my mom…” Clarke’s voice broke and she started sobbing again, pressing her body back into Lexa. “I... can’t go back there,” she whispered into Lexa’s shoulder, more to herself than to the other girl.

“Clarke.” Lexa murmured. Clarke pulled back again to look at her friend. “Clarke, hey, it is going to be alright. Whatever happened, we will find a way to solve this, okay?”

Clarke nodded weakly using her right hand to wipe at her nose.

“You are freezing. Let me get you something, okay?” Lexa said softly and guided her to the edge of her bed. “I’m gonna be right back, yeah?” Clarke looked up at her with big blue eyes and nodded again trying to control her breathing while Lexa skidded to the other side of the room opening her closet and pulling out a black hoodie for Clarke, pulling it over her head carefully a second later. “Do you want something to drink? Or are you hungry?” she asked carefully.

“I just kinda only want you to hold me right now, if that’s okay?” Clarke breathed out and Lexa visibly melted at the confession, looking at Clarke with so much sadness and compassion.

“I’m just… I’m so exhausted…” Clarke added in a whisper and Lexa nodded, pulling back the sheets and guiding the blonde to lay down before slipping in next to her and pulling the blanket over them.

Clarke turned and pressed her head against Lexa’s chest, her ear right above Lexa’s calming heart beat while her arms encircled Lexa’s waist. She puffed out a long satisfied breath as Lexa pulled her closer and entangled one hand in her blonde hair.

After a moment of silence and solace Clarke said: “Quint is gonna check on you soon.” A shaky breath left her lips. “I have to climb out of the window before you get in trouble.”

“Shhh. You are not going anywhere tonight.”

“But...” She pushed herself up a little.

“Clarke, I’m not letting you out of this house at night when you have no place to stay and came here crying!”

Clarke pressed her lips together tightly, staring at her before laying her head down on Lexa’s chest again.

“Okay,” she whispered as Lexa’s torso lifted her head up with the deep breath she took.

“How do you want to make this work, then? He is going to check on you in…” she glanced at her father’s watch, “fifteen minutes”.

Lexa rubbed her back soothingly. “He stomps up the stairs like a gorilla. So you can just hide under the bed as soon as we hear him.”

Clarke hummed her acceptance.

“Hey, I should get ready for bed. Are you okay to stay here for a bit? Do you need to go to the bathroom before Quint locks us in?”

“Yeah.” They got up together and after Lexa had given Clarke some clothes to sleep in and had grabbed her own pajamas they sneaked across the hallway and into the bathroom, taking turns with everything, respectfully looking the other way when one of them changed their clothes, both blushing lightly but unnoticed by the other. Lexa helped Clarke carefully wipe off the smeared make up from her face and gave her a new toothbrush. As soon as they were back in Lexa’s room they heard the stomping of Quint’s heavy feet conquering the stairs and Clarke slid under the bed while Lexa sorted the papers lying around on her desk.

The door flew open.

“Hey, little bitch. Time to lock you up.”

Clarke could see Lexa’s feet turning and her naked toes pointing in the direction of the door. She imagined how Lexa lifted her chin and straightened her spine.

“May I say goodnight to Aden? Like every night.”

Quint grumbled first, probably contemplating declining the request, but surprised Lexa and Clarke by uttering a short “yeah”.

As Lexa moved out of the room and passed him by the door, Clarke could hear a thud and Lexa releasing a shaky breath, followed by “Two minutes. You take longer and I’m gonna lock you up in the bathroom instead.”

Quint entered the room while Lexa was gone and Clarke pressed herself more firmly against the wall, trying to breathe as shallow as possible. She could hear things getting knocked over from time to time and papers made their way to the ground like little leaves falling from trees being welcomed by the ground with a soft touch.

“Right on time. Lucky you.” was all Quint said after Lexa had slipped back into her room, followed by the click of the door lock. Clarke crawled out from under the bed and was welcomed by the sight of Lexa softly rubbing her right shoulder with her left hand and bending over to pick up the papers.

After she had put them back on the desk and returned some knocked over objects to their rightful place, she lifted her loose-fitting band t-shirt up and pulled a small water bottle and a sandwich wrapped in a plastic bag from the waistband of her sleep shorts. She handed it to Clarke, who was sitting on the floor with her back pressed to Lexa’s bed.

“Aden got this for you.”

Clarke looked down at the water and sandwich in her lap and gave a little smile. “Thanks.”

Lexa stayed quiet and gave Clarke some space, placing herself in the chair at her desk while Clarke ate and drank, brows furrowed. She stayed that way after finishing the food, holding the plastic bag tightly in her right fist and looking down. She didn’t know how to start this conversation and was scared to do so, because talking about what she learned today would make it so much more real.

She could see Lexa leave the chair out of the corner of her sight, slowly placing herself down on the floor and sitting opposite Clarke with her legs crossed. Lexa reached out slowly and with both hands she opened Clarke’s fist, taking the plastic bag from her and placing it to the side with one hand while the other kept grabbing Clarke’s right fingers loosely.

“So… do you want to talk about what happened?”

Clarke gave a soft nod, her gaze still cast onto her lap. She took a deep breath and released it shakily. She then looked up into Lexa’s open and soft gaze, her green eyes big and worried, her head tilted to the side a little bit, waiting patiently for Clarke to speak.

“My mom…” Clarke whispered, tears prickling at her eyes again, “It was my mom’s fault. Wells had nothing to do with any of it.”  

Clarke thought back to the big medical project her dad, mother and Thelonious Jaha had been involved in two and a half years ago. Millions and millions had been pumped into the prospect of a device that would boost the mutation rate of lymphocytic cell tissue. This would have resulted in the possibility of isolating the cells resistant to leukemia and indentifying the genetic sequences responsible for that resistance. As chief engineer, her father had been the first to receive the results of the primary testing period, which showed that the treatment didn’t result in any mutations at all and was completely ineffective.

Abby Griffin and Thelonious had opted to sweep the data under the rug, continue testing and keep receiving money for a project that had failed in the eyes of her father. The night before he had died he told Clarke that he had decided to make the results public in a week’s time. She had always assumed that Wells had run straight to his father right after she told him, since Thelonious had scheduled a meeting with the board of the research facility for the very next day to present false results and announce a breakthrough in identifying genetic sequences, which would have invalidated Jake’s accusations completely.

Now under even more time pressure to come forward, Jake had driven to the facility the night before the meeting to gather all the needed information, but again, Thelonious had been informed of Jake’s plan. Apparently they had had a heated fight that ultimately resulted in Jake tumbling down after a blow from Thelonious, his upper body falling onto a chair at an unfortunate angle and his neck snapping in two. This had resulted in Jaha being arrested, the attempted fraud being discovered and Clarke’s mother losing her reputation and license to practice in the medical field.

“Why do you think it was your mom’s fault?” Lexa coaxed carefully, leaning forward slightly and tightening her hold on Clarke’s right hand.

Tears were streaking the blondes’ cheeks again and interrupted by sobs she said “I... I was bored after I got home from school and… I don’t know... the phone was lying on the kitchen table and I played with it… and decided to listen to old voice messages to see if I could delete some of them…”

She pulled at Lexa’s arm making the girl change positions and crawl up to her side so Clarke could press her face into her left shoulder while Lexa’s arm enveloped her upper body and pressed her close firmly.

After a deep breath she continued. “One message was from Jaha. He said… he told my mom that he was heading to the facility to stop Jake from getting hold of the papers and…”

“Shhhh,” Lexa whispered into her ear as another sob erupted from Clarke’s throat, her body shaking. Her arms and legs felt limp and her insides empty. She lifted up her head from Lexa’s shoulder and blue eyes met green.

“He thanked her for telling him and that she made the right call.” A pause. ”She is responsible for that maniac going after Dad.”

After another beat of silence she added in a tiny voice “Dad is dead because of her.”

“Okay.” Lexa said simply. Gently she pushed Clarke away from her and moved to stand, pulling Clarke up after her and helping her into the bed. They both lay down opposite each other, their faces close and feet touching under the blanket. Clarke had stopped crying. She felt like there weren’t any tears left to cry anyway. She just felt numb and her heart ached. She stared at Lexa’s green eyes which were slowly wandering over the lines of Clarke’s, face over and over again, until they settled on her sad blue ones. 

“I’m sorry, Clarke,” she whispered. Followed by a soft “May I hug you again?” which Clarke answered with a tiny nod and sad smile, both of them inching forward and returning to the positions they were in earlier, Clarke’s ear pressed against Lexa’s heartbeat.

“You should try to sleep. We will figure out how to go from here tomorrow.”

Clarke tightened her hold around Lexa’s waist.

“Lex?”

“Hmm?”

“I think I had my heart broken today.”

Silence.

“Let me help you to put it back together, then.” she whispered into blonde hair, right before Clarke’s breathing turned even and her body relaxed.

After a moment, Lexa’s phone buzzed on her nightstand and she stretched to grab it with her right arm wincing when a sharp pain reminded her of her injured shoulder, which had collided with the door frame earlier thanks to Quint. Nonetheless she managed to reach her phone and looked at the message she had received.

 **Abby Griffin:** is Clarke with you?

 **Lexa:** Yes.

 **Abby Griffin:** please take care of her

 **Lexa:** Always.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i completely made up the medical stuff and i apologize to everyone who noticed what utter bullshit i wrote there
> 
> i'll try to update once a week, since i already finished writing the fourth chapter, but no promises
> 
> come say hi on tumblr: lexa-el-amin.tumblr.com :)


	2. Fade away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wells jaha is a golden boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 2 here we go! hope you enjoy :) i love wells so much and he is gonna be featured as much as i can manage in this fic. 
> 
> and as a heads up: i want a happy ending for clexa, like they deserve, so this will all play out in their favor. this fic is mainly about clarke, it's her pov and especially her inner development and thought process

_Meet me down by the old, old tree_  
_Where you can be you_  
_And I will be me_  
_Forget everything that once was said_  
_Dry your eyes and rest your head_  
_Remember a time, when we used to smile_

 _Hear you crying in your sleep_  
_Fighting demons that I cannot reach_  
_Wish I could kiss your fears away_  
_Just believe in me baby, that they will fade away_  
_They will fade away_

Clarke’s eyes snapped open and she was enveloped in darkness. It took her mind a second to put her thoughts together and realize she was lying in Lexa’s bed; her eyes a little longer than that to adapt to her dark surroundings. She turned her body so she was located on her right side, with her back pressed against the wall. Lexa was mirroring her position, eyes closed, face soft and vulnerable and her lips slightly parted. Watching her breathe in and out in a slow and steady rhythm made Clarke relax.

She didn’t know where to go from here. She knew that she couldn’t go back right now. Back to her mother. The person who was responsible for the death of her father. Of course, Clarke was aware that Thelonious Jaha attacked her dad, which resulted in him falling and dying, unclear if this had been Jaha’s plan anyway or if it was an accident during a moment of uncontrolled rage, but ultimately it was her mother that allowed this situation to happen to begin with. It was her mother who stood against her own husband and put herself on the other side, who chose greed over her conscience and doing the right thing. Those things Clarke had forgiven her for when mourning her dad. But now she knew that her mother had not only chosen to stand against Jake, but also had been the one who betrayed him. He had shared his plans with her and she had run to the enemy to spill.

A sigh left her lips. Her heart ached. She loved her mother so much, despite everything that had happened between them and she didn’t want to live without her, since she had already lost a parent. It had been and still was the hardest thing she had ever had to deal with. Her dad was gone but her mom was still around and she wanted to appreciate that. Maybe the strong emotions she felt since finding out the truth a few hours ago would lessen over time and the canyon of hurt that had opened up between them could be conquered one day.

Clarke reached out and carefully tangled her fingers with Lexa’s. Electricity shot through her arm instantly and the touch replaced the coldness and uncertainty with warmth and safety. She absorbed Lexa’s profile a few seconds longer before closing her eyes and drifting back to sleep.

\-----

The alarm of Lexa’s phone woke them both up in the early morning. Lexa turned around and pressed the snooze button, smiling at Clarke softly when she realized that clear blue eyes had followed her movements.

“Hey.”

“Mornin’.”

“How are you holding up?” Lexa asked tentatively as she lay back down opposite Clarke.

“Better. Thank you for taking care of me and listening.”

“Of course.”

They stayed quiet for a second just looking at each other. Clarke swallowed.

“Lex?”

“Hmm?”

“You are my family. You are the most important person to me. You and Aden. You know that, right?” she whispered.

Now Lexa was the one swallowing before her lips tugged up in a smile.

“You are my family too, Clarke.”

They smiled at each other for a moment before Clarke started to frown.

“Hey, I heard how Quint pushed you yesterday?” She sat up suddenly. “Oh god, are you okay?! I was so caught up in my own drama!”

“Clarke.”

“Fuck! If he finds me here, he will freak!” Clarke looked at Lexa with wide eyes, attempting to get out of bed but the brunette grabbed her wrist and she stopped in her antics.

“Clarke, it’s okay. I’m fine. My shoulder hurts a little but I’ve had worse injuries.”

She laid herself back down and pulled Clarke with her, so they could resume their previous positions, Clarke still uneasy and tense, but Lexa gave her that sweet little smile, which helped her heart rate slow down for a second, only for it to pick up again immediately after, now the smile being the sole reason.

“I set the alarm early. We’ve got over half an hour until Titus opens up my door. Quint isn’t looking after us this morning.”

“Okay.”

After a moment of silence Lexa spoke up again. “So… last night, after you fell asleep, I was thinking… You don’t want to go back right? At least for now?”

Clarke nodded.

“So we have to find a safe place for you to stay for a while. And get some of your stuff from your mom’s place. Maybe we figure out both points after school?”

Clarke’s eyes widened. She realized that she had absolutely nothing with her beside her bus ticket, her father’s watch and the clothes on her body. She had to go back to her house. Fuck.

“I never went to school without my bag before,” she stated weakly.

Lexa smiled. “It will be fine. I’ll pack you some of my stuff and I’m sure Aden already planned on sneaking some breakfast for you.”

The alarm set off again and Lexa turned around, pulling herself up in a sitting position and letting her legs dangle off the bed. After switching off the buzzing of her phone she used her left hand to push all her hair over her left shoulder and put her glasses on. She turned her head to look at Clarke, who blinked and cast her gaze towards the sheets after watching her friend far too mesmerized to be considered friendly.

“I’ll lend you some clothes and then we’ll have to get you out of that window somehow.”

They both changed and Lexa packed Clarke a bag with some essential stuff to make it through the school day before they managed to find a method for Clarke to climb into the backyard. Clarke was supposed to head to the bus stop where Lexa and Aden would meet her in half an hour, so they could head to school together.

While waiting for Lexa and Aden to arrive Clarke was lost in her thoughts again. She hugged the leather jacket Lexa had lent her against her body. Under that she was wearing her own tank top and a green and blue button down shirt that was a little too tight around her chest but she loved having Lexa’s smell ghost around her nose.

Her stomach dropped as Wells jumped into her mind. She had cut her former best friend out of her life completely after thinking he had been the one to tell Thelonious about Jake’s plans, when in reality he had been loyal and a trustworthy listener and instead her mother had been the wormy apple. He had never denied her accusations, had let her scream at him again and again, had let her drum her fists against his strong chest while crying and had let all the anger and hurt she felt over what Thelonious and her mother had evoked with their sleazy ways wash over him. Wells had taken every blow with quiet acceptance, which had made her even more angry, since she had longed to see him react to all the terrible words that she shot like daggers from her tongue.

Clarke clutched at her chest with her left hand and tried to control her breathing to keep herself from crying again. Yeah, Wells was someone she definitely had to talk to soon. That boy had been golden and good all his life and she had never even given him the benefit of the doubt. Had never  questioned his emotionless face and tightly pressed lips when she insulted and bashed him. Had never even considered what he went through as his father was imprisoned and he only had his grandmother left to care for him. 

“Hey, Clarkey!” Aden stopped in front of her with a tiny jump, both his feet kissing the ground simultaneously and Clarke was jolted out of her little melancholic bubble. She gave him a sad smile turning her face to the side for a second to wipe off a tear gone fugitive and answered in a soft voice “Hey, pipsquid.”

She cast her gaze upwards and caught Lexa staring at her. A light blush crept onto her cheeks and she fumbled with her glasses while she gave Clarke a tiny smile.

“Clarkey!” Aden exclaimed as he pulled down his bag, letting it hang from his right shoulder to open it and pull out a bunch of sandwiches enveloped in plastic wrap. “I made you breakfast!” He dangled the food right in front of her face until she took it out of his hold.

“Sit with me, buddy?” Clarke said and got an excited nod for an answer as Aden plopped down next to her smiling up at Clarke with such a happy expression that it made her heart melt.

“You too?” she asked Lexa who was leaning against the opening of the little bus hut with crossed arms and ankles, looking down the street and keeping an eye out for the bus. She gave one subtle nod and lowered herself down at Clarke’s side, embracing her quiet persona and content to let Aden do the talking in the limited time period he got to spend with Clarke every day. Clarke put her left hand onto Lexa’s thigh and rested her head onto her shoulder while Lexa reached out to squeeze it for a second before folding both her hands in her lap.

Clarke and Aden kept up with their banter until the bus arrived and even after that, Clarke asking questions about school and the boy answering them with excitement before throwing himself into a wild retelling of his last swim tournament, gesturing so wildly with his arms that he nearly hit Clarke in the face and shrinking under Lexa’s strict gaze, who was seated a row behind them, immediately afterwards.

When they reached his stop, which came a little earlier since his school was not located as deeply in the city center as Lexa and Clarke’s, he was bid farewell with a kiss on the cheek by Clarke and a squeeze of his shoulder by Lexa, accompanied by a fond smile. Lexa slid in beside her then, knocking her shoulder lightly with her own and storing her glasses into the bag on her lap without stopping to look at Clarke.

“Hey.” she said a little breathless.

“Hi.” Clarke answered in a similar fashion.

Her face turned solemn. “Would you later tag along to get my stuff? When school is over?”

“Clarke. Of course.”

“Should we pick up Aden after school and take him with us? That way I can keep you a little longer and you know he’s safe.”

 “No, it will be fine. He has a long school day today and swim practice immediately after. And he’s okay to stay at home without me as long as he isn’t alone with Quint.”

“Okay.” Clarke answered with a smile which was mirrored by Lexa.

Lexa knocked her shoulder again. “Maybe you should make a list of what you want to take with you?”

Clarke nodded. “I’ll do that in my free period later.”

They sat in silence for the rest of the drive, Clarke occupied with her thoughts again and Lexa content with providing her physical presence as support, leaning her head on Clarke’s shoulder and playing with the sleeves of her soft blue blouse or running her right hand over her pony tail.

They had to separate after they arrived at school but promised each other to meet up in the library in the fifth period when they both had no class to attend, so they could plan the logistics of their afternoon and think about a place where Clarke could crash for a while. Clarke gave Lexa a short and tight hug and a little wave before she made her way over to the art wing.

She shared her art period with Lincoln, one bulky but soft dude with an incredible artsy talent, who Lexa was very fond of since they teamed up with each other in weekly krav maga lessons, and with Monty. He and Raven shared a lot of classes with Clarke and she had known both of them for years. They had accepted long ago that Clarke would never again be the person she was before her father’s death and that their friendship was reduced to the realms of school.  

Clarke sat down on her usual table, going through her bag and sporting a little smile when she realized that Lexa had taken the unused note book and the markers and pencils held together by a rubber band for herself and had packed Clarke her own note book and pencil case instead. She laid both on the table in front of her and traced the front page of the book with her fingers. She had painted Lexa’s name and some intricate design on it at the beginning of the school year and the pencil case was filled with little colorful origami flowers that Clarke sneaked into Lexa’s glasses case to cheer her up whenever she had another rough night thanks to Quint.

The time in the art studio made her feel considerably better and calmed the storm inside her head. She even opted to stay there a little longer to keep working on the giant canvas that was about to become an imitation of her favorite Franz Marc painting. This resulted in Clarke arriving a little late to her third period English class. She froze after pushing the door open, her eyes landing on Wells, who was sitting at the back of the room. His eyes snapped up automatically to find the source of the sound, then he blinked once and resumed scrolling through his novel.

“Yo, Griffster!” Raven shouted, although she was seated relatively close to the door. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! I texted you like a billion times last night to talk about our project. Got lucky or what?!”

A few students chuckled but Clarke’s eyes widened as the events of yesterday replayed in her brain, making her turn around in the door frame and bump into the teacher. She didn’t really acknowledge the collision and stumbled on towards the exit, hearing Monty reprimanding Raven for being insensitive.

She threw the door open and breathed in the chilly September air with deep and shuddering breaths. The fact that her mother was responsible for her father’s death was just a little too much for her to cope with on top of school and people and being a 17-year old mess. It wasn’t really because she was particularly sad for the tears to spill again, but rather that she had been strong for too long. Like she had built that giant dam in front of her feelings to hold them back and keep them from tumbling over the edge, like she had swallowed down the pain of losing her father after a few weeks of burning in flames and now the truth had been the catalyst, the final wave, to make her insides explode and her coping strategy fail miserably.

Clarke sat down on the steps leading away from the exit, letting her bag fall carelessly beside her and pressed the palms of her hands against her closed wet eyes. She missed her dad. She hated to constantly feel an ache inside her chest and she hated to be consumed by anger and confusion and heartbreak. She wished for nothing more than to feel light and to have no worries, just like it had been in her childhood. She wished that Lexa and Aden could be by her side, always, to fill her with warmth and lessen her inner storm.

The door behind her clicked as it was pressed open and steps made their way over tentatively before someone sat down a good distance away from her at the top of the stairs.

“You okay?” Wells said in a low and soft voice.

Her head snapped up and she stared at him for a long moment before slowly shaking her head.

“Wells, I am so sorry,” Clarke whispered. She paused and he waited for her to continue. “I made myself believe that it was you who told your dad. When in reality it was my mom.”

He nodded and a big sigh escaped his lips.

“Why didn’t you say anything? Why did you let me hate you?”

“I knew how you would feel. I wanted to protect you. You needed your mom. I didn’t want you to hate her.”

“Wells…” Clarke sobbed. She turned her front towards him, letting her arms slam on her thighs, palms turned upwards.

“Hey. That’s what best friends are for, right? To ease the pain and take care of each other.”

“Your father killed my dad and went to prison. You had to move to your grandma. You lost your whole life. And I did nothing to make it easier for you. How could you let me hurt you and accuse you over and over again? How can you be nice to me right now?!”

“Clarke. It’s forgiven.”

“How can you say that?”

“Because you are my best friend. And I love you. Okay?” Clarke buried her face in her hands as new tears spilled out and her breathing turned even more erratic.

“Hey.” Wells said softly und crawled over to her, laying his right arm across Clarke’s upper body carefully. “Come here.”

Clarke turned and pressed her face into his shoulder, right hand fisting his shirt tightly. “I’m so sorry,” she hiccupped again and again.

\-----

They stayed like that for a long time, Clarke pressing herself against Wells’ body, talking in calm and hushed voices and Wells making her chuckle with stupid dad jokes until the bell rang out sharply and popped their little bubble of reconciliation and sorrow. Wells got up first and helped Clarke to her feet.

“See you around?” Clarke asked softly.

“Yeah, of course. You still got my number right?” Clarke nodded. “And we always got English to spend some time together.” After a moment he added. “No pressure.”

“Thanks, Wells.” She lifted her arms and snuck them around his waist, squeezing the side of her head against his chest, while his strong arms enveloped her.

Her mind was somehow calm after that. Peaceful. The sheer exertion from crying and the emotional battle of the last hours were probably responsible for a big portion of that feeling. All that tension in body and brain then made her feel slack and wobbly now. She was beyond glad to have her friend back. She was beyond glad that she finally felt a lot lighter since she could let go of part of her anger and that just – breathing wasn’t such a big effort anymore.

\-----

At the beginning of fifth period Clarke made her way over to the library to meet up with Lexa. When she entered and spotted the brunette she leaned against the door frame to absorb the calmness that encased Lexa’s body like an invisible shield. She was seated at a big table in the corner, books laid out around her, note book, pencils, water bottle and phone next to them, sorted methodically. While the index finger of her left hand was tracing the words in the book nearest to her, her right hand scribbled down notes in a slow and careful manner. With her head tilted to the side and concentration crinkling her brows, she had to lift up her hand every few seconds to push her glasses back up her nose.

Lexa looked up as Clarke finally made her way over and her stoic face morphed into a gorgeous smile, chin resting on her propped up arm. “Hello Clarke.”

“Hi Lex.” the blonde answered and grabbed a chair from the next table to shove it next to Lexa’s and plop down on it.

“I brought you food from the cafeteria.” Lexa bent down and scooped a big chocolate muffin out of her lunchbox handing it over to Clarke whose eyes widened as she practically yanked it out of Lexa’s outstretched hand and took a big bite.

With her lips smeared in chocolate and her mouth full she mumbled, “Thanks, cutie.”

Lexa chuckled and ducked her head back down, resuming her studying with a smile on her face. Clarke finished her muffin greedily and pulled out her note book afterwards to compile the list of stuff she wanted to pack later. She quietly hummed a little tune while doing so, but not too loud since she knew how important study time was for Lexa. She had fixed times in which she wanted to get work done and got irritated when someone interrupted her system.

Twenty minutes later Lexa softly closed the book she was taking notes out of and looked at Clarke expectantly. The blonde pushed her feet back to the ground after having her shins pressed up against the table and laid down the note book in which she had tried to capture Lexa’s figure bent forward, her body being surrounded by words and symbols flying through the air.

“I talked to Wells.” Clarke said. That sentence had been waiting on her tongue for the last twenty minutes and couldn’t wait any longer to finally tumble out.

“How did it go?”

Clarke told her about what had happened on the stairs earlier. Halfway through her voice got a little shaky and Lexa laid her hand palm turned upwards on the table for Clarke to take. Clarke was one to seek physical touch when her emotions got the best of her and it always warmed her heart when Lexa offered her comfort.

They had adapted so subconsciously and effectively to each other over the years. While Clarke had learned to comfort Lexa with reassuring words and gestures, Lexa – who had been so unused to physical contact and proximity when they met – was a natural by now in offering Clarke hugs and hand squeezes and cuddles when the blonde was in distress. While in the beginning she had been stiff and nervous whenever Clarke came too close, now it calmed her too. In contrast, Clarke had accommodated to Lexa’s ways and knew how much importance little gestures and subtle smiles held. She knew how precious they were to Lexa and that she was so privileged to receive them.

Resuming her talking Clarke sneaked her fingers in between Lexa’s thumb and index finger until they aligned with the inside of Lexa’s hand in a soft but reassuring touch. Green eyes watched her face, small nods encouraged her and the stroking of Lexa’s thumb made everything a little easier.

“He did an admirable thing.” the girl that was all about gestures said after hearing about Wells’ doings. “He spared you a lot of pain at the time.”

“Yeah.”

“I just wish you didn’t have to be confronted with all the heartbreak he kept from you now.” Clarke gave her a sad smile. “And that I could make it less painful for you.” she added a little more quietly.

“You already are making it so much easier, Lexa.”

Lexa cast her gaze down and they were enveloped in silence for a second. “I was thinking… maybe you could crash with your uncle Marcus for a while?”

Clarke lit up instantly. “See? That amazing brain of yours – always saving my day.”

Lexa groaned and slipped a hand under her glasses to hide her eyes. “Clarke. Stop.”

“What?” Clarke questioned innocently, poking her side, her mood improving rapidly from teasing Lexa.

“You know I am bad with getting compliments.”

“Yeah but I love seeing you blush.”

“I’m not blush–”

“Of course you are.”

“Clarke.” Lexa said, a furrow forming between her eyebrows, giving Clarke a clearly not amused stare. In Clarke’s eyes that look was simply adorable. “I do not blush.”

“Oh, come on. You smart bean. Most beautiful broom. Gorgeous gnome.”

Lexa snorted. “That’s not how compliments work, Clarke.”

Clarke just laughed and tickled Lexa’s sides with both her hands, making the other girl yelp loudly. Lexa immediately brought her hand up to cover her mouth, clearly embarrassed and casting sideways glances to the other students scattered across the big room.

“Is that a blush I see?” Clarke asked triumphantly and pointed a finger at Lexa’s face, which the brunette swatted away instantly.

“Oh, shut up.” Lexa mumbled. But her lips tugged upwards despite her best efforts.   

 

  
   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter clarke is gonna face her mom again. how will that go? and the chapter will be longer than the first two.
> 
> leave a comment if you feel like it or say hi on lexa-el-amin.tumblr.com :)


	3. Delay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one took me a while, because i wanted to get the conversation between clarke and abby right. i hope i managed.

_After hours of motionless dancing_  
_To the sound of heavy rain_  
_I told myself to pick up the pieces_  
_And go moving on up again_  
_I'll just let it drip-drip-drip on me_  
_I'll let it just soak right through_  
_I'll let it just drip on me_  
_I'll let it just soak right through_

 _It will get better_  
_That's what I told you from the start_  
_It will get clearer_  
_That's what the weather gods said last night_  
_This will all make sense_

_In good time_

The bus drive over to Clarke’s house took about 40 minutes, which Lexa spent reading and Clarke working on her biology homework, followed by Clarke snatching Lexa’s phone to text with Aden for a bit since Lexa told her that he had a little buffer time before his swim training started at four.

 **Lexa T-Rexa:** hey buddy. clarke here. how’s it going?

 **Aden:** Clarkey! I am fine. Why don’t you use your own phone?

 **Lexa T-Rexa:** left it at home, but about to get it back. lexa and i are on our way over. was school good?

 **Aden:** Yes, I’ve got an A on my paper about finches! Thanks for your help.

 **Lexa T-Rexa:** of course squid

 **Lexa T-Rexa:** okay so. the finch kid asks the finch mommy: mom, why does my beak look so different than yours?

 **Lexa T-Rexa:** wanna know why?

 **Aden:** I already know why, you told me that pun like a million times when we worked on my paper.

 **Lexa T-Rexa:** the mom says: sorry kid, it’s because you are adapted

 **Lexa T-Rexa:** god, so frckin funny

 **Aden:** You are such a nerd. Just like Lexa.

 **Lexa T-Rexa:** and you don’t know how to appreciate an amazing pun.

 **Lexa T-Rexa:** facetime tonight?

 **Aden:** Yes please, nerd.

“Aden is rude to me.”

“Because he doesn’t appreciate your science puns?” Lexa asked.

“No…” Lexa eyed her over the rim of her glasses. “Pfff, yeah. I have great puns and it’s rude that he doesn’t laugh about them!”

“You have like two puns and tell them over and over again.”

“Whatever.” Clarke said pouting and crossing her arms.

Lexa let her open book rest on her thighs and looked at Clarke with honesty. “I love your puns.”

Clarke smiled at her. “Of course you do, you are such a nerd.” Lexa rolled her eyes and resumed reading her book.

The banter with Aden and Lexa helped Clarke a little bit to calm her nerves but she was still incredibly on edge about the prospect of facing her mother soon. Lexa and she had decided to call Marcus as soon as she had her phone back and ask him if she could stay there for a while. He and Jake had gone to school together and he was Clarke’s godfather. Since he was heavily involved in local politics he lived in the city and a lot closer to Clarke’s school and Lexa’s place, which resulted in his goddaughter sleeping over there gradually more often as she got older.

He had bought her a bed that was situated in his workout room and, especially in winter, when it got dark early and she had spent her evenings with Lexa and Aden as was often the case, she opted to bail on the trip back home. Her mother had started to work in a nursing home after Jake’s death and wasn’t home most nights to spend time with Clarke anyway.

Although the relationship of mother and daughter had been strained in the last two and a half years, it had still been somewhat functional, both of them grieving and sharing the loss they felt from time to time. Clarke had always been closer to her dad and, after his death, a big part of her support system had been ripped away from her as well. The lack of communication on topics other than the absence of Jake and the lack of emotional connection and trust between Clarke and her mother had resulted in a magnitude of issues. Neither one of them had made the effort to work on their relationship, both women trapped in their loss and subconsciously isolating themselves more and more from the outside world and each other. Because of that, their fight had caused even bigger destruction, bringing all the tension brewing underground to the surface.

Only through befriending Lexa had Clarke finally found someone she felt safe talking to and supported by again and for that reason as well she was eternally grateful for having the brunette in her life. Lexa was not only someone she could count on and who she considered as an equal, but who she also saw as a person to look up to, who inspired her and made her aspire to be better. She was blown away by the effort Lexa put into everything she tackled – her focus and fascination with getting her education, the way she looked after and cared for her foster brother, her regular work out routines and krav maga lessons, and even how invested she was in doing just insignificant things like making a sandwich as carefully and perfectly as possible.

Since the death of her father, and even more so in last 24 hours, Clarke felt like a headless chicken, without structure and control, like someone who lived day to day and was neither emotionally nor mentally prepared for all the scenarios she got thrown into, while Lexa was calm and strategic about everything. She planned and organized and was able to restructure in a heartbeat when something didn’t go according to plan. Whenever Clarke spent time with Lexa she discovered more and more of her older self again. She rediscovered her ability to plan and was temporarily able to suppress the reign of chaos that got a hold of her, actually approaching things methodically, her former fire lit by Lexa’s stoic persona.

Clarke knew that for as long as Lexa would allow her to tag along, she would be fine. She and her mother had never been close and hadn’t been able to communicate on an emotional level in the last two and a half years. But Clarke had still embraced their relationship and counted on Abby to support her when needed. But finding out the truth had put up a blockade, had been the last straw for their tension to crash down, for all their unresolved issues to come to light. Clarke knew that right now Lexa was the one who could give her unwavering and constant support, the 17-year old girl who grew up in the foster system, and not the woman who raised her.

Clarke knew that her relationship with Lexa was healthy and honest and built on communication and trust, while the one with her mother lacked all those points. She and Abby had to rebuild all those facets right from the ashes that remained from yesterday.

Sitting on a rusty old bus, her side pressed against a girl so strong and wise in her eyes that she could physically feel how some of that strength rubbed off on her, Clarke decided to let go of her anger and fix this. She wanted to focus on the heartbreak, on learning to forgive, on rebuilding a relationship that had been crumbling and cracking for years.

Clarke wanted to be in control again. The last two and a half years she had been pushed into situations, she had been forced to go with the flow, but now she wanted to decide what actions to take and challenges to tackle and especially which ones to avoid or put on hold for a while.

“Clarke.” Lexa said softly and tapped Clarke’s thigh with her fingers once.

“Hmm?”

“What are you thinking so hard about?”

“I’m thinking that I want to fix this. At least I still have a parent left who somehow cares about me, right?” A big sigh escaped her lips. “What are your thoughts on that?”

“I think you two should definitely try and talk about what happened. And figure out how to build up trust again.”

“But…?” 

Now Lexa was the one sighing. “But I also think you are not the one who should be in charge of fixing this. You should tell your mother that you don’t want her out of your life and that you want to try to forgive what she did.” She paused. “It’s important to recognize the pain your mother caused you. It takes time to heal. To recover and to be able to open up again.” 

\-----

She and Lexa stood on the door step of her house and her body felt rooted to the ground like a tree, her muscles tense and her heart drumming against her ribcage in a fast staccato tact.

“Clarke.” Lexa gently took her wrist and Clarke looked at her. “Breathe.”

She nodded and tried to calm down. “It will be fine.” Lexa said. “Do you want me to ring the bell?”

“Yes, please.” she whispered.

Only a short while after the bell had been pressed the door flew open in a hurry and Clarke’s mother stared at them with wide eyes.

“Clarke!” Seeing her mother smacked her in the face like a bucket of cold water and she was so full of emotions that there seemed to be a lump in her throat and – it was just too hard to actually get a word out.

Lexa took a step forward and brushed her hand against Clarke’s for an instant. “Mrs. Griffin, we are here to retrieve some of Clarke’s belongings. Can we please come in?”

Abby didn’t even spare a glance at Lexa and instead continued to stare at her daughter. “Come in.” After a beat Lexa pressed her hand against the small of the blonde’s back and directed her inside the house. Abby closed the door. “But I’m not letting you just leave the house again.” Clarke whipped around and gaped at her mother. “I was worried sick. You can’t just pack your stuff and leave with no place to stay. You are a minor and you belong here with me, if you like it right now or not.”

“Mrs. Griffin…” Lexa started but Clarke put a hand on the girl’s forearm to stop her.

“No.” she said. “You know what, mom? I’m done listening to you. I’m done depending on you and being miserable because of it.”

“Clarke. Don’t you dare talk to me in that tone. Last night was more than enough.”

Clarke let out a hollow laugh. “What tone? You just can’t handle the truth. You killed dad!”

“I did not…”

“Of course you did! You told Jaha everything! You let a fifteen year old boy take responsibility for your actions! I lost everything because of you!” Clarke burst out. Involuntarily she was trapped in a replay of last night and found herself on the verge of tears again, anger burning her insides and her heart aching. Her hand was still grasping Lexa’s forearm in need of physical support, squeezing it with so much force that it probably hurt, but Lexa kept quiet and just watched the scene unfold.

“I lost Dad! I lost Wells! I felt completely alone and betrayed and stupid because of your obsession with continuing that fucked up project!” she continued in a cracked voice and with wetness coating her cheeks. “You are not in a position to demand anything from me anymore! You completely fucked up and are too much of a coward or too proud to admit it!”

After a beat of silence Clarke added in a shaky whisper. “You broke my heart and I can’t stand to be near you right now.”

To Clarke’s surprise, instead of screaming back and denying the accusations like she had yesterday, her mother’s body deflated from its rigid state after Clarke’s last words and her shoulders sagged. Her head was bent down and after a tiny fragile sob spilled from her lips she pressed her fingers against forehead and shielded her face.

“Clarke…” Abby choked out. “I… I am so sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing.”

Clarke scoffed and let go of Lexa to fold her arms across her chest. But when no further response came from Abby her face softened and she sighed. Then her mother looked up at her through a curtain of tears with a face that simply screamed exhaustion and guilt.

The atmosphere felt peaceful all of a sudden. Like the calm after a massive storm when everyone is still wary and in hiding expecting more to come. When glances are cast all around trying to mentally take inventory of everything that has been destroyed and damaged and needs fixing and care and when no actions have been taken yet. Maybe they had finally reached a point where vulnerability wasn’t an opening for an attack anymore but rather for honesty, Clarke thought to herself.

The blonde turned around and pulled Lexa with her further down the hall until they reached the staircase. She opened her bag and after a moment of rummaging through it she pulled out a piece of paper and held it out to Lexa.

“Hey, would you go up and get started on packing my stuff?”

Lexa took the list and nodded but didn’t move an inch. “You sure?”

Clarke smiled at her. “Yeah.” She gave the hand holding the paper a squeeze. “Like you said, it will be fine. I know how to go from here.” Lexa nodded again and made her way upstairs, turning her head around once to take a last glance back as if to make sure that Clarke would be alright.

After Lexa was out of sight, Clarke made her way over to the living room and sat down on one of the armchairs. A beat later, Abby followed and sagged down opposite her, holding her head in her hands and pressing her elbows into her thighs. Quietness engulfed them with the exception of her mother’s ragged breathing.

“I was so sure I was doing the right thing… I thought with a little more time and money we could figure out the problem and make the treatment work.” Clarke propped up her chin on her hands and listened to her mother’s whispering. “I was just too stubborn to admit that we failed. And… and I never would have thought that… that Thelonious would kill him.”

She continued her quiet babbling. “I had been involved in that project for 15 years. I wanted nothing more than to make it work. I was more invested in cells and genetic mutations than my husband’s life.” Her gaze met Clarke’s. “Clarke, I just… I couldn’t face what I did and I saw how my bright and open child retracted more and more and became quiet and closed-off. I did that to you. I love you so much and I did that to you.

When you came to me crying and said that Wells told Thelonious I found a way to hide from my guilt. I lost Jake and I didn’t want to lose you, too. I acted as if… as if I didn’t do it. The only way I knew to escape my feelings was to throw myself into work again.”

Abby slid out of the armchair and let herself fall to the ground, knees pulled up and her arms hanging limply from her body with the palms towards the ceiling.

“Clarke… I want to do better. Please forgive me and let me try to be honest with you from now on.” she pleaded in an unstable voice.

Lexa’s words from earlier echoed through Clarke’s head. _It takes time to heal_. Hurt and anger and heartbreak don’t just evaporate into nothing as soon as the person who evoked those feelings apologizes and pledges to do better. What her mother wanted to hear was something that Clarke just didn’t feel ready to give yet. Again, she felt like it was expected from her to accommodate to other people’s pacing and accept the given scenario instead of creating her own. Her mother was now ready to admit her mistakes but Clarke wasn’t ready to forgive and start rebuilding yet.

Deep down she knew that any advances her mother would make right now to fix things would get contaminated by the negativity she still associated with Abby. Clarke would be bitter and unfair because of her hurt, even though she didn’t want to be.

She straightened her spine and folded her hands in her lap looking at the broken person sitting in front of her on the ground. “Mom.” she sighed. “I want to. I really want to. But I just… I can’t.”

“Clarke.”

“No, please let me speak.” Abby pressed her lips tightly together and nodded while pulling a tissue out of her pocket.

“I just can’t do this yet. I want you to know that this doesn’t mean that I want you out of my life. I want to forgive you.” She sniffled. “But just… I feel so broken right now and sad and angry and I feel like I can’t give what it takes to rebuild our relationship properly. You hurt me so much. And it’s not just the fight from yesterday and finding out the truth that hurt me. I’ve been hurting all these years and you did nothing to help or get closer to me.

You need to be in charge of fixing this. But not until I allow you to start. Because I want to be in control of what happens from now on. I need time to forgive you and get better. I want to fix things with Wells and concentrate on myself for a while. And then we can work on us.

I want to ask Marcus, if I can stay with him for a bit. I really need some space right now and that way I’ll be closer to school and Lexa and Wells. Please let me do this and don’t force me to stay here with you.” Clarke breathed out the last sentence and her shoulders relaxed simultaneously with her mind because she had finally let out what she initially wanted to tell her mother when she had come here. She was so sick of screaming and fighting, and this peaceful post-war atmosphere felt so much better and productive.

She waited in silence as her mother seemed to be contemplating how to react. “That sounds… reasonable. If this is the only way for me to get you to forgive –“

“It is.”

Her mother held up her hand and Clarke waited for her to continue. “Clarke, I want to do this right. And if you feel like this is the right step then I won’t and can’t be the one to stop you.”

“Good.” She didn’t have it in her yet to smile or thank her mother. Instead she stood up to make her way upstairs to finally call Marcus and pack her stuff. “I’m gonna call –“ she started as she was halfway out of the room.

“Why don’t you let me talk to Marcus? It will be less complicated to explain. If he says yes I will drive you and Lexa over.”

Clarke was a little taken aback by that peace offering but nodded her head. “Okay.”

\-----

When she walked into her room Lexa was in the middle of folding a piece of clothing to add it to the compiled packs of clothes, school books, art supplies and other objects that were laid out neatly on Clarke’s bed. As soon as she noticed Clarke she let it fall out of her hands with widened eyes. Her whole body straightened and she wiped the palms of her hands on the backside of her black pants.

She looked simply so adorable and worried that Clarke made her way over wordlessly and enveloped her waist, resting her chin on Lexa’s left shoulder as the girl pressed Clarke close in return.

“Hey.” Lexa murmured in her ear and Clarke closed her eyes at the sound of her soft voice.

“Hi.” Clarke mumbled back before pressing her face against Lexa’s neck. She let out a big puff of cold air as the tension finally rolled off of her body completely. This made Lexa withdraw a little automatically and she made a noise of surprise.

Clarke leaned back but let her hands rest on Lexa’s hips. She looked over towards the bed to appreciate how perfectly organized Lexa had gathered most of the stuff she wanted to take with her.

“Thanks, Lex.” She smiled at the brunette and got a soft smile in return before Lexa pulled her over to the small seating area in the bay of Clarke’s large window. They were just able to sit opposite each other with tangled legs and Lexa raised her eyebrows at the blonde expectantly.

“How are you?”

Clarke laid her hand on Lexa’s knee. “I feel… lighter? I told my mom what we talked about earlier and it felt really good to just let out all my thoughts. I have space for new stuff to worry about in my brain now.”

“That is great. I’m glad it went okay.” Lexa grabbed Clarke’s leg softly and rested her chin on the blonde’s bent up knee. “Do you want to call Marcus now?”

Clarke shook her head. “My mom actually offered to do it and to drive us over there later, if he says yes.”

“Oh.” Lexa said clearly surprised. “That is nice of her.”

“Hmhmm.” she answered and rested her head against her propped up elbow, closing her eyes – just breathing for a second – and enjoying the quiet moment with Lexa. It was the first instant after so many hours in which her brain was finally able to relax and be turmoil-free.

\-----

A little later, Clarke got up to finish packing, while Lexa lay curled up on the window seat watching Clarke with tired green eyes. She jolted a little when Clarke suddenly turned and pointed her finger at the brunette.

“Hey! I almost forgot! Stay right there!” she said energetically and whirled back around to leave the room for a short while. When Clarke reemerged with ointment in her hand Lexa sat back up slowly.

Clarke sat down next to Lexa and held the paste in front of her face. “Here. I have some ointment for your sore shoulder.” she exclaimed with a smile and then contemplated for a second. “If you take off your shirt I can apply some.”

Lexa stared at her for a second before clearing her throat awkwardly. “Uhm… yeah okay.” She grabbed her glasses and handed them to Clarke who reached out to put them down on the desk next to the window seat. Lexa then turned and offered her back towards Clarke, one leg crossed, while the right one was dangling off the seat. After unbuttoning her blue blouse a little and pulling it over her head with a wince she fiddled with the piece of clothing in her lap and turned her head to look at Clarke expectantly.

The blonde gave her a soft smile before reaching out and tracing the bruise on Lexa’s right shoulder carefully. Without putting much thought into it she leaned forward and gave the sore skin a tender peck as Lexa watched her with slightly parted lips.

Instead of starting to apply the ointment Clarke let her eyes travel down Lexa’s frame. Seeing her from this close was always a revelation. It reminded her that even Lexa’s body incarnated her overall dichotomy of tender and strong. Her torso was trained and muscular but still looked so petite and fragile. Clarke’s cold fingers made Lexa twitch away slightly when she touched another bigger bruise on the girl’s ribs, just below her black simple bra.

“When did that happen?” she whispered.

“Last week in the basement, when he pushed me and I fell onto a toolbox.”

“Lex…” Clarke began but Lexa reached out with her left hand to rest it on Clarke’s which was still placed on bruised ribs.

“Clarke. It’s fine.”

She was about to disagree but swallowed her response down in the last second. They had had that discussion over and over again. Lexa knew as well as Clarke that this was not fine but she had so much to lose that she was afraid to stand up for herself. Quint could push, beat and insult her and Lexa would swallow down pain and hurt at the end of every day because her own well-being wasn’t as important to her as assuring that Aden would grow up with love and care. She would endure it, if it meant that she could be there for Clarke and although it had melted Clarke’s heart when the brunette had admitted this, it also made her insides ache, feeling like she was partly responsible for all of it.

Lexa had told her with determination in her voice that she wanted to be for Aden, what Anya had been and still was for her – an older sibling who made sure to provide all the care and love that foster children didn’t always get and to teach, educate and support when no one else would. Telling her social worker that she was being abused or just defending herself against Quint could get her pulled out of her foster home and ultimately would separate her and Aden.  

So instead of reviving that discussion, which Clarke didn’t have the energy for today anyway, she just sighed and began applying ointment on Lexa’s shoulder and ribs.

Clarke lent Lexa one of her old t-shirts to put on afterwards and as the brunette stashed the blouse into her bag with care Abby shouted Clarke’s name from downstairs and asked, if they could leave in ten minutes which Clarke confirmed.

\-----

The car ride was definitely one of the most aggravating ones Clarke could remember having. She had opted to sit next to Lexa in the back but both of them kept quiet, mostly because Clarke felt uncomfortable talking about herself in front of her mother at the moment.

It was weird and ironic in a way that her mother drove her because she was driving Clarke away from – herself. Although this meant that Abby respected her wish for space and it conveyed support, it left a bitter taste in Clarke’s mouth and a knot in her stomach. Because as much as Clarke wanted to be separated from her mother right now, she wanted just as much to feel like she still belonged with her.

This separation should have looked like an involuntary parting, like a daughter running away from home and a mother being enraged and worried and visibly heartbroken over it, and not like _this_. This felt like a conscious decision and a planned disposal, with Abby sitting quietly in the driver’s seat, her knuckles white on the steering wheel and spine rigid. This didn’t feel like a mother who loved and longed for her daughter, who would fight with everything she had to keep her by her side. This felt like quiet capitulation.  

Clarke missed the feeling of regret. She had nothing to regret since Abby had allowed her to run away and even aided her in the execution of it. She terribly missed the regret of leaving her mother behind and being plagued by thoughts of a weeping woman. This felt so awfully much like acceptance and she didn’t know what to make of it.

She hoped with all her heart that Abby would fight for her. Maybe the whole scenario made her feel so queasy because she was simply unsure, if her mother would want to put in the effort and time to fix their relationship. They had drifted apart so much that Clarke couldn’t calculate Abby’s feelings. She didn’t really feel loved by her mother anymore.

\-----

Clarke accompanied Lexa to her front door to drop her off before she and her mother would continue their way over to Marcus’ apartment. Lexa initiated the hug after they had said their goodbyes and maybe the blonde clung to her a little too long and too desperately, but leaving Lexa always felt like leaving part of her soul, so she deemed it as acceptable.

“Thank you, Clarke.” Lexa said softly.

“What for?“ was her confused answer.

“Taking care of me. You didn’t have to. You have enough other stuff to worry about.”

“Lexa.” Clarke grabbed her friend’s forearm and looked at her with determination in her eyes. “Just because my life is a mess right now doesn’t mean I am excused to blend out everything and everyone around me. You always matter. I always care and think about you. Don’t you dare keep something from me ‘cause you think I am busy with my own life when you are the most important part of it.”

As soon as the words where out Clarke realized that they maybe held a little too much weight. But Lexa just cast her gaze down and gave that sweet little smile that Clarke absolutely adored, before looking back up with a smirk.

“Yes, Ma‘am.“ 

Clarke just laughed and gave Lexa another hug. She parted with a sigh.

“Text or facetime me later and tell me how it went with your mother?” the brunette asked.

“Yeah, will do.” she moved away from her. “Bye, Lex.”

“Goodbye, Clarke.”

\-----

Silence. Silence lay on her like a heavy blanket that itched but couldn’t be wrestled off. It was suffocating but at the same time welcoming.

Marcus greeted her with a hug and told her that he is happy to have her for a while, before he made his way to the trunk to get Clarke’s stuff and headed inside right after. That left Abby and Clarke standing by the front door, her mother shuffling her feet and fiddling with the keys in her hands. Clarke just felt exhausted and, quite frankly, just wanted her mother to be finally gone because today had been long enough and yesterday had been long enough and she felt like sleeping for a year. She didn’t have anything left to say and had no expectations regarding her mother’s farewell.

It seemed like her mother had nothing particular in mind to say to Clarke before leaving either, because they just stood in front of each other until Marcus came back outside.

“Okay. Everything is waiting for you in your room.” he said in a cheery and chipper voice.

“Thanks.” She turned her body a little towards the door, indicating that she wanted to enter the house.

“So… I guess… I’m gonna head back home then.” her mother stated and nodded to herself. “Thank you for looking after Clarke for a bit, Marcus.”

“Of course, Abby.”

She reached out then and grabbed Clarke’s wrist carefully. They looked at each other. Clarke saw uncertainty and sadness in her eyes and maybe it made her feel a little better when she realized that this wasn’t as easy for her mom as she had assumed back in the car.

“Goodbye, honey.” Abby said softly. “For now.” she added more stern.

Clarke gave her a tiny smile. “Bye, Mom. For now.”

\-----

After she had eaten dinner with Marcus, who had respectfully let her brood in silence, at least for today, she had unpacked her stuff. Situated in bed, freshly showered and without worries weighing her down like the previous night, she had facetimed with Aden and then with Lexa, who had nestled her face under the covers, with only her green eyes peaking out and wild hair filling most of the screen. They had talked for a while until Lexa had fallen asleep and only now, after ten minutes, Clarke reprimanded herself, stopped watching Lexa’s peaceful exterior and ended the call.

She checked the messages she had missed since last night and noticed that, beside the bunch of texts from yesterday night, there was also a newer one from Raven.

 **Raven:** sorry for today

 **Griffster:** it’s fine. you couldn’t have known that i had a bad day

 **Raven:** yeah

 **Raven:** but. i would have liked to. i’m here you know

 **Raven:** whenever you need someone

 **Griffster:** thanks raven

Shortly after, her eyes fell shut and she dreamed of green eyes. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... poor clarkey. i feel like she and abby are only close on the show, because they are trapped in this post apocalyptic setting.  
> did abby make the right choice to let her stay with marcus?
> 
>  
> 
> next chapter is a very long one and i can't wait to share, i hope you enjoyed chapter 3
> 
> leave a comment or say hi on lexa-el-amin.tumblr.com! :)
> 
>  
> 
> and in case you want to check out the song the chapter is named after: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqmXqGSAD_c  
> (don't want to brag but the singer kissed me on the cheek at their concert)


	4. Queen of the Sighs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Falling in love with your best friend: A guide by Clarke Griffin
> 
> step 1: realizing you have been in love all along

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a massive chapter with a lot of scenes, covering one month of time, enjoy!

_Too many people, too many thoughts_

_Drivin’ me crazy,_

_Drivin’ me up the walls_

_Too many insiders, too many sighs_

_–_

_Mama tell me what is wrong_

_‘Cause Lord knows what’s right_

_What is right_

Living with Marcus was – different. She liked and enjoyed it and Marcus put great effort into making her feel comfortable and wanted. Throughout the week they would leave the house together in the morning and at night they would talk about their days and Marcus would ask about school and would excitedly nod his head along when Clarke told him about her art projects and her time spent with Aden and Lexa.

It baffled her a little how attentive Marcus was and how cared for and warm she felt in his apartment. Not once did she feel like an intruder into his regular schedule but like she had been part of it all along. It didn’t feel unfamiliar to live with him but safe and right.

This uncomplicated and harmonic atmosphere showed her all over again what the interactions with her mother back at home were lacking. Here with Marcus she looked forward to coming back to his apartment after a long eventful day, to talking about what had been good and what bad about it and to having their nightly dinner together. Arriving back at her actual home was something she had always dreaded in the evenings, because being at home equaled being alone. Even when her mother wasn’t out working the atmosphere was cold. As if Jake had taken all the warmth and light with him and had left two deep sea creatures behind that cautiously passed each other during their daily routines, always with teeth sharp and ready to attack if necessary. There was no harmony and no ease in the air around them but rather the buzzing of unresolved tension.

For every day that Clarke stayed away from home, she noticed new things that needed fixing. Her time with Marcus was bittersweet in a sense that it made her happy and gave her the feeling of being cared for and wanted, while simultaneously bathing her in nostalgia and melancholy, throwing her back to the days when her family life had felt like that, back to when her father had been around.

She noticed the difference between co-existing and symbiosis, the first clearly being the case between her and Abby, mere existing in the same place, wallowing in the same fate of losing a loved one, while with Marcus it felt like they benefited from each other, it felt like support and aid and being a team – fighting together. Although her mother and Clarke had been confronted with the same struggles and fought the same feelings of loss and emptiness, they had battled their enemies on their own.

Sometimes Clarke felt guilty for not having tried to open up more but at the same time she couldn’t even remember one single instance where her mother had tried to talk to her about feelings. Instead their conversations had always remained shallow, “I miss dad” – “Me, too”, and the walls they had erected were not only used to shield them from the outside world, but also from each other. They hadn’t had tried to join together in their loss. It had probably been a natural coping mechanism for her to keep her mother out. A summation of all the issues – the loss of her father and therefore her support system, the betrayal she had accused Wells of and of course the lack of emotional proximity mother and daughter had always had – resulting in Clarke keeping her distance rather than closing it.

Now with Marcus she was reminded again of all the things she had longed for subconsciously all these years. All the things she had had when her dad was still around. All the things her mother had never given her and she felt unsure if that would be able to change.

Being away from home made Clarke also think about what _home_ truly meant to her. Abby wasn’t what she missed. What she missed was the house. Her room, their garden. Nature. Memories.

She missed sitting on her small window bay when she came home early to watch the red and golden sunset of late September. She missed the hill behind their yard, where she would go up to in the middle of the night after hours and hours of drawing, to clear her mind and loosen the tenseness of her body. Where she would sit down on the wet grass to watch the stars, being comforted by the whispers of the wind, almost sounding like the soft murmuring of her father’s voice pointing out the constellations to her like all those years ago, when she concentrated hard enough.    

She missed the dark wooden ceiling above her bed where she had pinned an old Polaroid of herself placed in her father’s lap, while he played the guitar, smiling at the camera, and a blurry cell phone picture of her and Lexa taken by Aden last year, of both of them laughing with their eyes closed over some dumb pick-up-line he had heard at school that day. She missed the staircase where pieces of her art had been hung up from kindergarten onwards, showing the improvement of her talent, with still a big spot patiently waiting to be hidden under wooden frames, but for two and a half years literally portraying the emptiness Jake had left behind, since Clarke lacked the self-worth to deem her pieces worthy to hang up there and Abby had never initiated a show case in the first place. And, of course, the beam in the hallway where little lines had been carefully carved into the wood by her father, adorned with W’s, C’s and dates to preserve the lifelong friendship of her and Wells there. 

For Clarke, home was a place that held the memories of her father. For Clarke, the house and the garden and the hill were spots that connected her to her dad like nothing else could, and in a sense the need to still be close to him was worrisome, but also showed that she still hadn’t completely found closure.

It meant that home was a place for her, because her dad had become a place; a person and the memory of a person had been pressed into locations and objects by her.

Living with Marcus had been the change of perspective she didn’t know she needed. In the last two weeks her mind had been all over the place, re-evaluating, calculating, planning, dismantling. Not only had Clarke dissected the relationship with Abby, but also her own feelings. She had realized that her coping mechanisms when it came to the loss of her father had been acceptable right after, but wandered into unhealthy territory now. It was time to accept that Jake was gone and to let loose a little on the tight grasp she had on everything left of him. It was time to let go of all the sadness and use his remembrance as a source of strength and positivity and inspiration.

Clarke had also realized that she needed to stop isolating herself from everyone beside Lexa and Aden. She had always been the kind of person who was friendly towards others, but never close to them. She would put everything she had into one friendship – first with Wells and now with Lexa.

When she had told Lexa about the text she had gotten from Raven, her best friend had said to her that she should try to connect with Raven and take her up on her offer, to bring new people into her life that she could depend on and trust. And Clarke had understood the implication behind it, namely that it was time to get out of the shell she had crawled into two and a half years ago and to try to build up a support system that held more than one person for the first time in her life.

The last two weeks had given Clarke the time to acknowledge and think about the issues between her and Abby, but she had basically used the distance to push the conflict away for a while and rather concentrate on rebuilding her friendship with Wells and spending more time with Raven and Monty as well, since they mostly came in a pair.

For the first time in a long while, Clarke felt in charge of her life. Living with Marcus had been exactly what she needed and she was so grateful for the support he gave her.

\-----   

The second Sunday of every month always marked a swim tournament for Aden. Normally Clarke would hear all about it when Aden called her at nighttime the same day or when she would come to visit in the afternoon, but this time she was asked to tag along, since they hadn’t seen as much of each other as usual, with Clarke spending a lot of time with Marcus and Wells and by herself, just figuring out the mess that was her life.

Lexa had seemed to be just as eager about the proposition when Aden had asked on the bus ride home on Friday. Clarke had spent a lot of their usually shared free time at school with Raven to work on their upcoming biology project, which Lexa had greatly encouraged but she had also told Clarke how much she missed her.  

Marcus had dropped her off at the pool on his way to a council meeting and she was waiting for Lexa and Aden to arrive in the lobby of the building, with a big blue sign in her hand adorning a squid and Aden’s name.

A big grin spread across her features when her two favorite people made their way through the door, Aden’s eyes immediately jumping from left to right until landing on Clarke and Lexa giving her a soft and happy smile while her foster brother ran over to crash into the blonde.

“Clarkey! You came!”

“Hey, buddy.” Clarke laughed as she wrapped both her arms around the torso of the boy, careful not to crumple her cardboard sign. She smiled at Lexa and watched her take off her beanie to tuck it into the pocket of her leather jacket. Long tender fingers combed through brown wavy hair as green eyes studied her intensely.

When Aden peeled himself out of the hug Clarke looked down at him and ruffled his hair with her left hand. He made an annoyed face but then his eyes widened and his mouth fell open as he noticed the sign in Clarke’s right.

“Oh my god!” he breathed out. “Did you make a sign for me?”

“Of course. How else are we gonna show that we are rooting for you? Besides the yelling.” She winked at him and Lexa let out a laugh.

“Clarke, you do know that there are only going to be some parents watching the race, right? No one is usually cheering.”

“What the fuck, Lexa?” Clarke let out in mocked horror with a hand pressed against her chest. “Are you telling me that you never cheer for Aden?!”

“That’s not…” Lexa started but Aden cut in with “Yeah, Lex, you only ever sit on the stands and do your homework.” and folded his arms.

She let out a huff and rolled her eyes. “I am always _rooting_ for you. It’s just weird to be the only one _cheering_ and have all the parents give me disapproving glances. But thankfully…” she grinned and threw her right arm around Clarke’s shoulder “… I’ve got this cray-cray with me today, so we can annoy old people together.”

Clarke fist pumped and Aden laughed before mumbling “Idiots.”

Just then two of Aden’s teammates entered the lobby and waved at him.

“Okay, squid. You go change and we’ll see you later, yeah?” Lexa said and Aden nodded as his face morphed into a nervous expression. Clarke hugged him tightly first and then Lexa. “Just do your best, that’s all that matters.”

After Aden had disappeared towards the locker rooms Clarke turned her body towards Lexa, who was already looking at her with big eyes.

“Thank you for coming today.” she said. “I really missed you this week.”

“I missed you, too.” Clarke responded and hugged her best friend.

Lexa pressed her arms around Clarke’s waist tightly and burrowed her face in her neck. Clarke immediately knew that this was Lexa looking for comfort after having two rough nights with Titus being out on dates and Quint looking after her and Aden.

“Hey, I’m here now.” Clarke whispered and stroked Lexa’s back with one hand. She felt Lexa nod and her heart ached for this strong, resilient, most wonderful girl, that morphed into something tiny and vulnerable only when it was the two of them. She felt privileged that she was the person Lexa looked for when needing comfort, and warm inside because she reciprocated the feeling that the other was a safe haven. 

After they parted, Clarke received a thankful smile and Lexa grabbed her wrist to pull her in the direction of the stands that were accessible via a little staircase and gave a view over the swimming pool.

A bunch of adults, some of them with grey and white hair, and a few young children were already scattered across the four rows, more often than not fanning themselves with the brochure listing the matches and competitors to fight against the warm and humid environment.

Two younger pairs in the back row waved at Lexa who responded with a polite nod as she led Clarke into the second row, which was still mostly empty.

Clarke discarded her bag and the blue sign on the empty seat next to her as Lexa did the same and then she pressed her side against Lexa, so content about being with her best friend again. Her moment of relaxation was interrupted by the buzzing of her phone and she scooted slightly forward to be able to fish it out of the front pocket of her jeans.

A big sigh escaped her lips after reading the message; she didn’t bother to reply and just locked her phone and held it tightly in her right hand. Lexa was staring at her with a raised eyebrow when she looked up. “What was that about?” she asked curiously.

Clarke groaned and hid her face behind her hand. “My mom again.”

Every Sunday since she had left, her mom would send her a message and ask when Clarke would come back home or when they at least could see each other again. And every Sunday Clarke would read it and ignore it like a pro. She secretly enjoyed the feeling of being missed or at least to see her mom making an effort of reaching out to her, but at the same time she savored the chance of giving her mother the cold shoulder.

“You know you have to talk to her at some point, right?” Lexa noted.

“Yep.” Clarke said and gave a sweet smile. “But that point is still very far away, because I am excellent at ignoring my problems.”

Lexa rolled her eyes at that and Clarke just grinned at her. When Lexa kept her unimpressed face Clarke sighed and gave in.

“I will talk to her soon, okay? But not today, because today is Lexa and Aden day. And my mom is not gonna ruin it.”

She looked down at her lap and fidgeted with her father’s watch.

“Anya called yesterday.”

This made her stop the fidgeting and instead smile brightly at Lexa. Anya, who was as much a big sister to Lexa, as Lexa was to Aden, had reached her 18th birthday four years ago and had left Lexa with a heavy heart to move into the next city and start university. It had been a while since she and Lexa had seen each other and Clarke knew how desperately her best friend looked forward to her visit. Lexa had told her that Anya would let her know this week if and when she would come by.

“And?” Clarke grabbed Lexa’s forearm with both of her hands expectantly and bounced slightly forward on her seat.

“She wants to come visit at the end of this month. For one whole weekend.”

“That’s so great, Lex. It’s been far too long. I really missed her non-existent humor and deathglare.”

“Clarke.”

“What?” She shrugged her shoulders innocently.

 “I appreciate how serious you are all the time.”

“Well, we can’t be all as goofy as you.” She winked at Lexa. Teasing Lexa was so much fun, because it was an absolute joy to see her roll her eyes or scowl for a second before her lips would tug up into the most beautiful little smile. In Clarke’s opinion there was no greater thing than making Lexa’s eyes crinkle and sparkle with joy and to crack her stoic and serious face into something soft and content.

And after rolling her eyes, puffing out air and trying and failing with an annoyed expression just like always, Lexa gave her that tiny smile that Clarke had hoped for.

“You’re an idiot.”

“Just for you.” Clarke answered as she bumped her shoulder into Lexa’s side.

The swim tournament started shortly after and Aden waved up at them every once in a while when he was patiently waiting for his next race.

As promised, Clarke cheered relentlessly whenever it was his turn and although Lexa had remained in a sitting position at first, rolling her eyes and hiding her face behind her left hand exaggeratedly from time to time, after a lot of excited jumping and coaxing and puppy eyes and tugging at her best friend’s arm Clarke was able to get her to join.

Joining meant that Lexa was standing next to her with her hands mid-clap, eyes fixated on Aden’s body cutting through the water, frozen in place as she absorbed every millisecond of his performance. And Clarke was mesmerized by it. She was cheering loudly with her blue sign high above her head, happiness floating through her veins and making her feel warm, her breathing hard and heart pounding, when she looked to her left and everything just stopped – only Lexa remained. She was the only thing Clarke heard and saw and noticed, because Lexa’s eyes while watching Aden were so full of devotion, pride and love and her whole body was rigid in anticipation. She looked absolutely beautiful with her curly hair thrown over her left shoulder, with her little birthmark on her upper lip.

Clarke took shallow breaths as her arms dropped of their own accord, the sign basically in her face, were she to turn her gaze back towards the pool. Lexa looked over to her then, probably because the race was over, smiling before confusion washed over her face.

“Clarke, the sign is blocking your view.”

“I can see you just fine.”

Lexa’s lips parted slightly and her eyes widened a little as they searched Clarke’s face, apparently finding what she was looking for, because the next moment she cast her gaze towards the ground with a blush and a tiny smile on her features.

Clarke didn’t really know what had come over her an instant ago and she cleared her throat, embarrassed, while sitting down and resting the sign on her lap for a moment. She evened out her breathing before putting it away on the seat next to her. Finally, she remembered the race and looked down towards the pool, where Aden climbed out of the water and waddled back towards the bench, while waving up at them with a smile.

“Did Aden win?”she asked in a confused voice.

“Yes, Clarke, he won this race. Two more to go.” Lexa chuckled to herself and after a moment in silence she reached over and let her fingertips ghost over the back of Clarke’s hand before they dipped into the cave between index finger and thumb, grasping carefully. It felt calming and thrilling at once and Clarke held onto Lexa’s hand until Aden’s next race started and she had to jump up, wave the sign above her head and shout his name as loudly as possible, despite the groaning and shushing from the rows behind her.

\-----

She was stuck in the library at fucking five o’clock on a Monday afternoon, working on her biology project with Raven and it was time for this school day to be over already.

Doing the project with Raven was a lot of fun, because she was a bright mind with many ideas (some of them slightly crazy and over the top, but still) and she loved biology, but they had been working on this for nearly four weeks now and their presentation was in two days, so by now stress and nerves outweighed the fun a little.

While Clarke read out the stuff they had scribbled down for the handout so Raven could type it into her laptop, she simultaneously braided Lexa’s hair, who was sitting next to her studying for her upcoming English exam. She was glad that her best friend had decided to study here instead of at home, just so they could be with each other some more.

But now Lexa glanced at the time on her phone, sighed and closed her book slowly, because Aden was waiting for her at home. After she had put all her stuff into her bag she reached up and touched her hair. Clarke had stopped reading to Raven by now and watched with bright blue eyes as her best friend smiled at her.

“Thanks for staying with us.” she said and looked over at Raven who rolled her eyes.

“Of course.”

Lexa turned in her chair and enveloped Clarke in a hug, the blonde whispering “Bye” into her ear, before she got up and headed towards the exit. With a content smile stretching across her lips and her chin resting in the palm of her hand, Clarke stared after her, eyeing the door even after her best friend was gone.

“Girl, you got it bad.” Raven stated matter-of-factly from the other side of the table and effectively shook Clarke out of her reverie. She stared at the other girl, completely bewildered.

“What?”

“You got it bad.” she repeated. “For Lexa?” Raven added after a beat, with her voice even and bored, as if she had just pointed out the most obvious thing.

“For Lexa?!”

“Yeah. You and Lexa. You got it bad for each other? – this isn’t new information for you, right?” Raven laughed but then stopped dead in her tracks. “Are you fucking kidding me right now, Griffin?!”

Clarke just kept gaping at her. She – having a crush on Lexa? Ridiculous. She laughed a little awkwardly.

“Raven, we are best friends.”

The other girl stared at her from across the table for a second before letting out a massive sigh.

“Whatever you say, blondie.”

They resumed working on their project after that. Or more like Raven resumed and Clarke desperately tried to concentrate on it but failed, because her mind kept wandering to Raven’s earlier statement. Clarke was wondering, why she would assume something like that. And she was wondering why those four words had given her such a fuzzy feeling in her stomach and a tingling in her brain. _You got it bad._

Raven glanced at her every once in a while but stayed quiet except for a project related question once in a while that Clarke reacted to with a hum or a nod or a shake of her head. She was feeling totally out of it, like that moment when you miss a step and think you are going to fly down the stairs and break your neck, but are somehow able to catch yourself, your heart racing and your body prickling from the sudden hormone rush.

And this was how she felt right now, while sitting on an uncomfortable wooden chair in the school library. After a moment of staring into nothing she reached for her sketchbook, which was lying a little to the side, to distract and collect herself. She skimmed through it, revealing drawing after drawing of Lexa. She hadn’t even noticed that before. Her sketchbook that she only used when she wanted to get away from thinking and planning, when she just wanted to let her fingers work on their own accord, to let the pencil create lines and shapes, showed what her subconscious came up with when she tried to relax and calm herself. And all it showed was Lexa.

Because Lexa was her best friend and her safe haven? Because Lexa was calm and stoic and sketching her body hunched over a table with her nose stuck into a book came natural and easy? Clarke was overwhelmed by the amount of rumbling and rattling in her brain that Raven had inflicted upon it. She released a puff of air and hid her face in her left hand.

“Hey, Clarke.”

“Hmm?” she looked up at Raven.

“Why don’t you head home? I’m gonna finish up and we can talk it through one last time tomorrow at lunch break.”

Clarke thought about it for a second. “You sure?”

“Yup.”

“Alright.” she breathed out and gathered her stuff before standing up. “Thanks, Raven. And sorry.” She chuckled dryly. “I’m such a mess lately.”

“Nothing to be sorry about. I didn’t realize I would catch you so off guard with…” she gestured with her hands and waved them aimlessly through the air. “Just…” Raven continued as she patted her phone with the palm of her hand twice. “I’m here when you thought about it some more and feel like sharing.”  

Clarke gave her a little smile and after rounding the table she bent down to hug Raven lightly and a little awkwardly because of the angle. “Thanks, Rae. I’ll text you.”

\-----

Sometimes, when Clarke was very deep in thought, her body somehow functioned as if on autopilot and without her actively being involved. In those periods of time she wasn’t really able to process outside events and when she wanted to remember details of it afterwards, everything came in kind of a blur and she needed to concentrate especially hard to recall her surroundings and actions. 

She found herself sitting on the front steps of Marcus’ apartment building with no conscious memories of getting there. Because somehow all of her concentration, all of her brain’s focus, had been directed to sorting through the massive maze that were her feelings and trying to come to a conclusion as to why Raven’s words had slapped her in the face like a brick.

Clarke knew that somehow a flame was flickering deep inside of her now, as if the remark had been the needed oxygen to set off an inevitable reaction. And what worried her about the realization were the implications that came with it; namely that for a flame to ignite, the other component had to have already been there in the first place. Something had apparently grown inside of her without her knowledge, something that got laid bare today and the discovery felt kinda scary.

For someone like Clarke, who took a lot of time to reflect and think, finding out that she had somehow overlooked or maybe even ignored a facet of _herself_ was confusing. And it was even more confusing to admit that her heart had simultaneously stopped and gone into overdrive back in the library. Because – she got it bad for Lexa.

Of course she did, how could she not? Lexa was the most amazing, most thoughtful, kind and fierce person she knew. She sometimes felt absolutely mesmerized by her calm persona, she felt protective over her fragile soul, stunned by her beauty inside and out and most of all privileged for being allowed to be a part of her life. All of this was so confusing; because she had thought that she was simply stricken by Lexa in a best-friend’s-way but Raven had implied something else entirely and to realize that and be exposed to it made her feel scared and excited all at once.

Clarke let out a long sigh and pressed her jacket tighter around her body as she shivered in the fresh air of mid October, the sun already dipping into the patch of horizon between buildings, casting a golden light over the city above her, but unable to touch her body and fill her with warmth on her spot on the steps, the shadows and creeping cold gnawing at her exterior like the worries on her mind did on the inside. 

She watched, with her elbows resting on her knees and her cheeks enveloped in the palms of her hands, as Marcus maneuvered his car into the small parking space across the street, as he got his briefcase out of the trunk and made his way over. After he had spotted her he smiled the special smile, where only half of his face twitched upwards and started talking in the process of sitting down next to her on the steps.

“I thought I told you where the spare key is hidden when you forgot your own, or are you sitting in the cold just for fun?”

Clarke shifted her head, so that it was mostly resting on her left palm, making it easier to cast a glance over at Marcus.

“Just for fun.” she mumbled and Marcus puffed air out of his nose in a tiny laugh and mirrored Clarke’s position by leaning his temple on his right fist.

“You okay?”

“Hmm. I will be.” was all she gave in return to indicate to Marcus that this was something she had to figure out on her own and didn’t need to talk about with him. He gave her a soft smile before casting his gaze ahead.

They sat in silence for a while and Clarke felt calmer and calmer due to Marcus by her side, the initial meltdown from earlier simmering down. She would figure it out and deal with the stuff she felt and had discovered today. The only aspect that still stressed her out immensely was her fear of talking to Lexa about it. Normally she shared everything with her best friend, but she felt so anxious about sharing _this_. She was anxious about facing her again and anxious about how the earlier revelation would affect their dynamic and how she would act in front of Lexa.

“So...” Marcus started and Clarke turned her head to look at him again. “Your mom called me earlier. She wanted to know how you are and what you are up to. You still didn’t answer her texts?”

Clarke shook her head and looked down at her wiggling feet.

“Clarke. It’s been nearly five weeks.” he sighed.

“Yeah, I know. But I don’t feel like talking to her yet. I wouldn’t even know what to say.” She pulled at her sleeves and tugged the material over her knuckles, her fists disappearing in an attempt to hide her tenseness, but her wavering voice giving it away anyway. “There is just… so much went wrong between us and fixing it will take so much time and I don’t even know where to start. Giving her the cold shoulder is so much easier.” she pressed out. “I’m still so mad at her, you know?”

Marcus nodded. “You are not the adult here, Clarke. It’s okay that you don’t know how to fix this.”

He patted her shoulder with his left hand. “Let Abby be in charge and trust her a little on this. She really wants to be a better mother to you. She knows that she hurt and disappointed you and it’s okay that you are still mad. But tearing each other and yourself apart isn’t the way to get through this.”

A sigh left her lips and she let her torso fall to the side so that she could lean against Marcus’ body and rest her head on his shoulder. “I still miss Dad so much every day.” she breathed out in a quiet confession. “I miss what family felt like with him. Safe and warm and happy.

And it still hurts so much and now I can’t help but blame her for it. And I hate how she basically did nothing to help me with my pain. I felt so completely left alone in that house and I’m only starting to realize how much since being here with you.”

Clarke quickly wiped at her eyes before she leaned back and looked up at Marcus. “Just… thank you. Being here helped a lot. I guess… I guess I am scared that I have to go back to Mom as soon as I text her. And I don’t want to be back with her.” She pressed her hands against her chest. “I don’t want for that feeling to come back.”

It was silent for a beat. “Abby is not going to force you to move back in with her. I have the space, I like you around, no one is making you leave, if you don’t want to, okay?” Clarke nodded. “Your mother wants you to be safe and cared for and I think right now small doses of mother-daughter-time are what’s best for you. But please give her a chance.”

He patted her shoulder once more before standing up and wiping his jeans. “I’m gonna start on dinner.” Once he reached the top of the stairs Clarke heard him pause. “Oh, and by the way. I have a conference out of town the last weekend of this month. If Lexa is allowed, maybe she can sleep over, so you’re not alone.”

\-----

 **Clarke:** hi mom. do you maybe want to meet up this weekend?

 **Mom:**  Of course, honey. Do you want to come home or should I come visit you at Marcus’ place?

 **Clarke:** maybe just a coffee date in the city? maybe sunday at 2?

 **Mom:** Whatever you want. Sunday sounds perfect. I’m going to pick you up and then we can look for a place. Sounds good?

 **Clarke:** yeah, okay

 **Mom:** Great. Love you, honey.

\-----  

She kind of was avoiding Lexa.

She definitely was avoiding Lexa. Because every time she saw her, her heart was trying to leap out of her chest and she had never felt this way before and it absolutely freaked her out. So she found herself spending the lunch breaks on Tuesday and Wednesday with Raven and Monty, allegedly to prepare their presentation, but it mostly resulted in teasing from Raven’s side, sympathetic cake-sharing from Monty’s side and repeated groaning and sighing from her side.

Although she had always considered it a curse that she and Lexa only had history together, this week it seemed more like a blessing. It was not that she didn’t want to spend time with her; it was more like being in her presence was driving her crazy and so she tried to reduce their interactions to texting.

On Thursday she basically locked herself into one of the art rooms in her free period and folded so many origami flowers that she would be able to fill Lexa’s glasses case with it for weeks.

And in the afternoon she found herself in Wells’ room again, just like the day before, sprawled out on his couch while he sat on the floor and played on his playstation. And just like the day before, her mind was overanalyzing and comparing everything.

Spending time with Wells brought so much to the surface, it made her see details that she had missed or ignored for years and evaluate her definition of best friends and how she and Lexa had apparently burst out of that label an eternity ago.

Wells had been her best friend. And he was her best friend now, or at least Clarke wanted him to be again. They had grown up together, had experienced most of their childhood adventures and hardships side by side and Clarke had always seen him as a rock, as someone she could trust and count on and for that reason alone the so-thought betrayal had gutted her so much. In a sense Lexa had taken his place; she, just like him, had become family and support, but her relationship with Lexa was also so much more.

Clarke felt lighter and brighter when she was with Lexa. Not that she couldn’t be happy without her, but when they were together, she just instantly was, as if someone had turned a switch. With Lexa next to her everything thrown at her from the outside or the mess inside of her head just seemed conquerable and it was easier to breathe and fight back. She associated those feelings of belonging, contentment and maybe even – home? – only with her and had never experienced them when with Wells.

Spending the last two afternoons with him had also made her realize how different her own body behaved. Here she was pleased with being a blob of color in his room, completely separated from him; meanwhile her body got pulled towards Lexa’s like a magnet, like she had to be pressed against her. How didn’t she notice before that they were basically hugging, cuddling, holding hands, touching each other all the time, because she needed to and was on edge and grumpy when she didn’t get a chance to be near the brunette for a while, like she was some kind of power source that recharged her. Clarke knew that she was the kind of person who expressed herself through physicality, but she actually craved being close to Lexa, subconsciously to this point, obviously, but well aware now. 

Looking at Wells and seeing his massive body and friendly open face with black short hair and big brown eyes, made her feel absolutely nothing, while with Lexa she basically had an inner monologue about her beauty every second she stood in front of her. Clarke was attracted to Lexa, like actual dreaming-about-kissing-and-green-eyes-attracted. Everything in their relationship and in their interactions felt so natural to Clarke that she had missed so many tell-tale-signs of falling for her best friend.

On the one hand, she was relieved for finally discovering and admitting the thoughts that had been swirling in her subconscious for months, for acknowledging the reoccurring dreams and for being able to come to the conclusion that she longed for more than friendship. Clarke couldn’t imagine herself with any other person than Lexa, never thought about herself with any other person than Lexa and it was only she and her in every scenario she had about the future, ever.

It made her stomach and chest bubble, her legs and arms tingle, and when she turned her gaze away from the ceiling, where she saw her thoughts projected, and let her head fall to the side to look at Wells, she actually had to smile as her body felt flooded and warmed by the final epiphany: Wells was her friend, while Lexa was her – everything.

On the other hand, it made her absolutely terrified, because – what the hell, Clarke – that’s not something best friends think about each other. Lexa deserved better than this, better than someone who spends time with her for the wrong intentions, to feed their own desires and wishes and daydreams. And Clarke was pretty sure that this was what she would do from now on when in Lexa’s presence; that she would long for more, when what she had in front of her was more than enough, because Lexa was enough in every capacity she offered. The prospect of an inner conflict about which actions originated out of care and friendship and which out of selfishness already stressed her out immensely and made her feel dishonest in advance.

“Wells?” she murmured quietly, still resting on her back with her left arm dangling over the edge of the couch while the palm of her right hand was thrown over her stomach.

“Hmm?”

“Have you ever been in love? Like, in the last two years, you know, since we stopped talking. Did you fall in love?”

She watched him freeze, the car on the screen crashing into the railing. Now curious, she rolled to her side and positioned her head on her propped up arm. Only his finger twitched, he otherwise remained motionless, as he paused the game. Clarke could see his shoulders rise and fall with deep breaths and she examined his face and his eyes that were still glued to the screen as if hypnotized. 

“Wells?” Clarke inquired again.

He slowly turned around and looked at her with wide eyes. “Why do you look so nervous all of a sudden? It’s not like we’ve never talked about this stuff before.”

“Uhm… Clarke.”

Wells had put the controller on the ground next to him and now he was grabbing his knees with his hands and his eyes were jumping from the floor to Clarke’s face and back to the floor every few seconds until he snapped his gaze up to catch hers with a tense expression, his jaw muscles twitching under his skin. “I am in love.”

“You are?” Clarke exclaimed in a voice that was surprised and excited at the same time and she rolled onto her stomach, rested her left cheek on her crossed arms, so that her hair fell over her eyes and their faces were only a few inches apart. “Do I know them?”

Wells paused before he let out a dry chuckle. “Yeah. You know her.”

She patiently waited for him to continue. Only a big sigh left his lips at first and he rubbed at his eyes. “Clarke, it’s you. I’m in love with you.”

Chills rippled through her body for a millisecond and her heart skipped before it thumped with reinforced power, like a horse that paused to brace itself before galloping with full speed, her spine rigid and eyes wide as she stared at Wells.

“I –“ she started without really knowing what to say, but Wells interrupted her.

“Clarke, it’s fine. I know that you probably don’t feel the same way. And I wish I wouldn’t feel the way I feel but I can’t help it. I’m sorry.” He let himself fall backwards and puffed out air as his arms touched the floor next to his body. “Now everything’s gonna be weird and awkward and I didn’t want you to know and I don’t know why I told you.”

She hadn’t expected this. It felt like very much out of the blue and she remained silent for a few minutes and observed the boy on the floor. Her golden boy; the person who had sacrificed so much just to spare her the pain of finding out the truth about her mother. And in a way she felt like finding a missing puzzle piece by accident, because she finally saw that he hadn’t done it out of friendship, but out of love.

He had sacrificed his heart to make sure that her heart would hurt less, with the conviction that his choice had been the right choice, even if it meant that she would hate him for the rest of his life. She teared up when she comprehended how pure his love was, how selfless – because it only consisted of providing and giving without expecting or wanting anything in return.

“Oh, Wells.” she sobbed. Clarke’s legs reached over his form as she got off the couch to kneel down right beside his shoulder. Wells studied her face with the tears running down her cheeks and she hesitantly placed her palm on his cheek and whispered “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that I don’t feel the same way.” Her left hand wiped at her eyes. “You deserve to be loved. I’m sorry that I can’t give you what you deserve.”

Wells placed his hand on the one she had settled on his cheek and gave her a sad smile. “Hey. It’s okay. We don’t choose our feelings.”

Shortly after he sat back up and they relocated themselves with their backs pressed against the couch. Clarke leaned her head against his shoulder and embraced his left arm. They mostly stayed quiet but every once in a while a question would leave Clarke’s lips.

“When did you realize?”

“Remember when we were 11 and I got sick and had to stay in bed a whole week?”

Clarke nodded against his shoulder.

“You drew me a giant landscape on like twenty pieces of paper and put them up on my ceiling. And then played chess with me in my bed and we watched action movies, although you think they are shallow and boring. I guess one day of that week I just woke up and was in love with you and the feeling never stopped.”

\--

“What does it feel like?” she whispered.

“After the thing with… our parents… it hurt a lot. And I was angry that I couldn’t stop it and sad that I lost you… now I am mostly glad to be a part of your life again. That I can be there for you.”

\--

“Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“Hmm… Because I was scared, I think? That I would lose you, that you couldn’t stand to know that I sometimes think about wanting more. More than we had. And I felt bad about thinking that, because whatever you put into this relationship is more than enough. You are enough.”

“But you did lose me.”

“Yeah.” he chuckled dryly. ”Though… that I love you was not the reason for that but rather the motivation behind it. I would do it again in a heartbeat.” Clarke squeezed his arm.

“And I never told you, because I didn’t want to be selfish and make it about me.”

“Hmm.” Clarke was pulled back into the powerful streams of her mind, desperately trying to fight through the waves and come back up to the surface refreshed and oriented. No such thing happened though and everything remained as blurry and uncertain as it was before. Because Wells was Clarke and Clarke was Lexa and he had sucked it up and had powered through all those years without telling, instead sacrificing himself quietly to carry as many of her little heavy burdens as he could from his position on the chessboard.

Wells had decided to be absolutely selfless for Clarke and deep down she felt like she wasn’t worthy of that kind of love, but that Lexa certainly was. Lexa deserved only the best and if it would require an aching heart to achieve what was best for the brunette, then Clarke would not hesitate.

Fear that Lexa wouldn’t reciprocate and the wish of not being selfish nagged at her. Wells was her moral compass and when he had considered it as the right way to deal with his feelings then she would do it just the same. The joy from earlier, when she had pieced together her feelings, was gone and instead she had a hollow sensation in her chest; a little like someone had stepped on a flower before it got the chance to bloom, a little like being reminded of the sobering and grey reality of life and having colorful dreams crushed, a little like opening a box of cookies with excitement and anticipation only to find it empty.

“Why did you ask?” Wells wondered.

“Ask what?”

“If I had ever been in love.”

“Oh… I –“ Clarke hesitated. It wouldn’t make a difference anyway, because she was already sure that she wouldn’t act on her feelings. And Wells had just sliced his chest open for her to see; telling him that she thought she was falling for Lexa would probably wound him even more.

“I was just curious. We have a lot of catching up to do.”

He nodded and remained quiet for a beat. “So what about you? I have. Have you?”

Clarke lifted her head from his shoulder to look at his questioning gaze and she felt terrible, because he loved her and she didn’t love him and it was unfair that there was no solution to solve this mess. She sighed, played with the sleeves of her shirt and looked down at her feet. “I don’t know if I should tell you, if I have. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Although she had anticipated a different reaction Wells rolled his eyes. “Clarke, listen to me. No one can control who they love, only how they act on their feelings. This” he waved between them “just isn’t meant to be.” Wells paused to huff out some air. “You can’t hurt me with something that you didn’t have a choice about in the first place.”

Clarke leaned her head back against his shoulder and contemplated what had been said. After a while she whispered “I guess… I don’t really know what love feels like yet. Not like you do. But there is someone who I think I am falling for.”

\-----

Meeting her mom wasn’t as suffocating as she had expected it to be. She had been pretty nervous over the last few days, which had resulted in a lot of fidgeting and sketching and sleepless nights. Maybe it had been like this, because she had such high expectations and wanted so desperately for their relationship to advance, but at the same time she was so unsure, if her mother had it in her to deliver what was needed for that to happen. Or if Abby even deserved it after 17 years of not getting involved in her daughter’s emotional well-being, instead solely focusing on work.

But Clarke hadn’t agreed to this meeting to further contemplate if her mother did or didn’t deserve the second chance, but rather to use this step of rebuilding as a way to find out, if it would be a blessing or a curse to get invested again. She was scared of disappointment and heartbreak and the inner turmoil of this wariness clashing with the young confused girl deep inside of her who wished for nothing more than a mother who cared and loved and guided, made her restless.

Maybe she had been fretting about it so much to keep her mind occupied and her thoughts away from Lexa, too. Maybe it was better to ignore the fact that she was great at multitasking and could perfectly overanalyze the relationship with her mother and her feelings for Lexa at the same time.

Until now the meeting hadn’t been suffocating, but calm and anticlimactic after days of anticipation.

Her mother had greeted her with a tender hug and a tender pat on the cheek. Abby had treated Clarke like a bomb that might go off any second, only asking shallow questions about school, being respectful about her decision to stay with Marcus for longer and keeping the conversations away from triggering subjects at all costs, which had actually made Clarke a little furious in the beginning, because there was nothing to be furious about.

She was quietly sipping her hot chocolate when her mother cleared her throat and set down her coffee mug.

“So… I’m thinking about selling the house.”

Clarke choked a little on her drink and had to cough a few times before she could start her reply.

“I –“ she began but her mother put up her hand to stop her from continuing.

“Clarke. I know. But I am not a doctor anymore, my savings are nearly used up and the salary I get from working at the nursing home is not enough to take care of the monthly expenses. And I am barely home anyway and you aren’t either.”

Abby paused to let out a sigh and Clarke pressed her lips tightly together, swallowing and swallowing, trying to tame heart and emotions rattling at her rib cage like mad men.  

“I think it’s time to let go and start to move forward. You and I have both been clinging to Jake’s memory.” Her mother reached across the table to grab her hand. “We can’t keep going like we have. It’s time for a change and I am scared that everything will go back to how it used to be when you come back to live with me. In this big house, stuffed with memories, where it is so easy to hide from each other.”

There was silence for a beat where Clarke just stared at her mother and waited, taking shallow breaths and fighting against the prickling that crept over her skin just like fog when enveloping hills and valleys, slowly swallowing life and sight on an early morning. Her body felt tense and observed and as if her mother was waiting for her to crack, to cry or shout and spill her insides.

And she wanted to. She really wanted to. Because the house was her home, was her dad, was full of memories and security. While part of her wanted to yell at her mom for taking her dad away from her and trying to snatch what was left of him now, too, another part of her was actually considering what Abby had said. Because while anger and heartbreak were acceptable feelings, they were also exhausting and hindering in their journey to reconciliation. Because maybe, just maybe, a new environment would be what they needed and what her mother needed.

So instead of biting, refusing and hurting, Clarke sighed, kept quiet and propped her chin on the palm of her hand to physically and metaphorically cave in. She was willing to keep listening to her mother.   

Abby breathed in and out and looked at the table, with her hand still tightly grabbing Clarke’s left. “I just… Clarke, I wish with all my heart to be a better mother to you. The last month made me realize that I have been wrapped up in my own head. That I’ve been focusing on my own problems and forgot about you.”

Her mother had started to cry and was rubbing at her eyes with the hand that wasn’t still grabbing Clarke’s, but she kept going, choking out her thoughts. “But I… I don’t know how to stop that. How to get better. And how to make us better. Clarke, I feel trapped and I’ve felt that way for a long time. Trapped in my own life. In my grief. In my regret. In that house.”

She finally looked up at Clarke. “I feel trapped in my inability to be there for you. I have always put so much focus on my career. My dream was to help people and take care of them. But now I realize that I lost sight of the one person I was supposed to care for and that she has suffered more than anyone should. You, Clarke. I failed you.”

Clarke was trembling and her sight was blurred by the tears waiting to fall. She had reached out a while ago to grab Abby’s hand, which was still squeezing her left one tightly, and now her mother stopped wiping at her eyes to carefully pry Clarke’s right hand away, to grab both of Clarke’s with her own and gave her a sad smile.

Everything in their dynamic had somehow shifted. Her mother had never done something, said something, like this. She had never been so vulnerable and open, acknowledging her failures and her own fragility. Everything had got laid bare and Clarke’s heart felt heavy and light at the same time, because of it. It felt good to hear her mother say it out loud and acknowledge the neglect Clarke had felt all those years. It also made her sad and worried, because Abby was so broken, just like her, and she couldn’t stand to see a parent, a person who wasn’t supposed to break down and be helpless, act like this.

“Mom, I –“ she started. “Thank you for… this. It means a lot.”

“I’m really sorry, Clarke. For the things I did. And for what I failed to do.”

Maybe, yes maybe, this wasn’t a lost cause after all. It was a first step and Clarke felt lighter now that her mother had named the areas of their relationship that needed reconstruction. They were the same ones she had dwelled on for weeks now and it was relieving that her mother had been able to name them all on her own.

Clarke was hurt and still felt anger pooling deep inside of her when looking at her mother, but she was now aware that Abby had the right intentions, had the love and determination to rebuild from their ashes. She had the feeling that it would be worth it in the end to get invested again; that this was something that could be fixed and wanted to be fixed.

\-----

Clarke was lying on her bed only a short while after her mother had dropped her off at Marcus’ place, thinking about how it would affect her if Abby sold the house, when her phone buzzed where it was placed on her stomach.

 **Squid:** why is lexa so grumpy?

 **Clarkey:** i don’t know, ask her

 **Squid:** okay

 **Squid:** she said “i’m not grumpy”

 **Clarkey:** what a surprise

 **Squid:** claaaaarke

 **Squid:** make her un-grumpy

She smiled, imagining Aden and Lexa sitting next to each other in Lexa’s room right now, with Aden pestering her with questions to find out why she was grumpy, while Lexa would give him the most adorable death stare paired with frustrated tiny groans. Clarke fiddled with her phone a second longer before texting Aden back.

 **Clarkey:** okay i’ll try. give her an aden break and i’m gonna facetime her in a few minutes

 **Squid:** thanks clarkey, good luck cheering up the grump

A big sigh left her lips and she let her arms fall sprawled out next to her body. Being near Lexa gave her weird feelings and when interacting with her she was always tense and just so – aware, as if all her senses were heightened. She would notice every little detail about Lexa; her hair, her lips, her voice, her behavior, how close she was sometimes or just her wording in a text message was enough to make Clarke’s belly tingle with butterflies. Things that had been completely regular before drew her complete attention now and it drove her crazy in a good kind and a furious kind of way to be so full of emotions. It made her feel alive and giddy when her heart beat twice as fast, but also mad at herself for overreacting so much and not being able to stay calm around her best friend.

She wished for the way it used to be to return, for when she had been oblivious to her feelings and everything was easier and good, while also dreaming of more and welcoming the pink sweet cloud that had slipped into every part of her brain and fogged all her thoughts. Clarke felt happy and miserable at the same time, high and low, intoxicated and on withdrawal.

Rolling around onto her right side, she placed one of her little pillows at eye level and positioned her phone against it before facetiming Lexa. When her best friend’s face popped up on her screen, furrowed eyebrows, pouting lips forming immediately into something soft and tender, Clarke couldn’t help the huge grin that formed.

“Hey, little grump” Clarke drawled. “I missed your face.”

“Oh, so you only hang with me because of my looks, I see.” Lexa said with a teasing smirk, taking her glasses off and standing up from her seat, shuffling around the room before lying down on her bed as well. Clarke smiled at her.

“Yeah, and because you give me food.”

Lexa laughed at that and Clarke felt like being honest, so she continued with a steady voice.

“And because you are kind and smart and caring and make me feel safe and warm.”

At that Lexa’s lips parted in a tiny ‘oh’ before being pressed tightly together, big green eyes blinking at Clarke’s face on her screen and giving her a bashful smile after a few seconds. Clarke’s inside were tingling and she felt so full in this moment and so much like continuing with her praises and letting Lexa know that she was the best thing that had ever happened to her, to everyone, to this world, but she had made the decision to use her feelings only for good and not to be selfish and she would stick to it. This wasn’t about her; it was and would always be only about Lexa.

“So, why does Aden think you are in a bad mood?”

“I don’t know.”

“Is it, because maybe you are in a bad mood?”

“Hmpf. Possible.”

“You wanna tell me what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing.” Lexa answered quickly but Clarke rolled her eyes and gave her a stern look.

“Lexa. Tell.”

Clarke waited as Lexa let out a big sigh and looked to the side for a moment, probably contemplating what to say. She kept looking down and away from the screen when she started her response.

“Really. It’s not that big of a deal. Quint said something to me earlier. It was supposed to get to me, like always, and normally I try to ignore him, but I guess it didn’t work this time.”

“What did he say?” Clarke asked in a demanding voice and immediately tensed up. She knew that Quint would not only physically hurt Lexa, but also emotionally. He would say things to invalidate her, to make her feel small and like a waste of space. Clarke hated it all so much.

“He said…” Lexa paused and continued in a whisper. “I was trying to call you this morning while sitting in the living room and he came in… and he snatched the phone out of my hand and laughed at me, how I could think you would pick up, cause you only spend time with me out of pity and have better things to do and better friends to hang out with…” she paused to sniffle. “And that… that you’d totally ditch me after school is finished and move away and that I’ll never hear from you again.”

“Oh, Lexa.” Clarke rasped. “Never. That will never happen.” Her heart ached and her eyes stung and it made her so angry that Quint would say something like that, but also that Lexa would believe it. “Look at me.”

The brunette looked back at the screen and her eyes told Clarke that she was still doubtful, that she was still convinced deep inside that one day Clarke would leave. “Lexa, you got me for life. You are my best friend. Always.”

“Yeah… I know.” she said in a low voice. “But sometimes I can’t believe it. And I don’t know… you’ve been so quiet this week and that makes me doubt myself and us and I expect this – our friendship, to fall apart.”

Clarke wiped at her eyes. “Lex, never. Please don’t ever let Quint get to you with something like this, okay?”

She got a weak nod in return.

“And I – my mom’s been swirling in my head all week. I’m sorry I was so distant.” They looked at each other for a second, before Lexa sneaked her hand between pillow and head and leaned a little closer to the camera lens.

“How was your meet up today?”

 “Hmm.” Clarke swallowed. “My mom is thinking about selling the house.” She felt very vulnerable and raw all of a sudden, because talking about it, telling Lexa, made it more real. Her thoughts always floated in a space between reality and fantasy – half-truths, imaginations, fears and wishes that clashed with each other – but words carried realness and consequences, faced her once more with prospects she wanted to run from.

“Oh.” Lexa simply replied.

“I just… I feel like I’ll have nothing left of my dad when she sells it. I don’t think I’m ready to let go yet.”

A blonde strand of hair skid into her face and she tucked it behind her ear and huffed out a breath. “You had to move before. What was it like?”

“Well.” Lexa started. “I don’t know… I don’t think it’s a similar situation. I had nothing to cling to in the first place. I learned quite early that objects are just objects and that you shouldn’t get attached to them, because one day you have them and the next you live somewhere else and your stuff is gone.” A pause.

“Same with people. They leave, you leave, you have stuff, you don’t. It’s not something I ever had control over, so I just stopped getting sad about it and started getting indifferent when I was about 8 and got moved to my third foster family. I had to adapt and be grateful for what I had while I had it and when it was gone that was fine too.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s just the way it is.”

Clarke stayed quiet for a moment. “Hey, Lex?”

“Hmm?”

“Please don’t ever think I’d let that happen with us. Promise me that you wouldn’t forget me and just move on. Because I’ll always be your family and I sure as hell would find you and kick your ass if you just moved on.”

Lexa smiled at her. “Clarke.”

“I’m serious.”

“You know it’s not the same with you. I could never forget you.”

“Good. Because don’t you dare.”

Clarke pouted at her before they both smiled at each other and it felt easy and good and safe in this moment with Lexa.

“I’m sure it will be fine, if she sells the house.” Lexa whispered. “You can take stuff with you, you can take pictures and you can still visit the hill from time to time. The memories of your dad are in your head and in your heart anyway and they will always stay there.”

“Yeah.” Clarke responded as she pulled her legs up and hugged them tightly with her arms. “She apologized that she wasn’t there for me. That was kinda surprising. It felt good, though, to hear her say it. I think that maybe it could work out with us someday.”

Despite her somehow positive words tears started to creep out of her eyes. Because everything was still messy and unsure and she was so full of emotions which just overwhelmed her.

“God.” a humorless chuckle left her lips. “I so wish you could be here right now.”

“Me, too.”

“I’m gonna hug you so tight tomorrow.”

Lexa smiled. “Please do that.”

“Lex?”

“Hmm?”

“You feelin’ less grumpy?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so please tell me: which scene was your favorite? (i enjoyed writing the wells scene the most) 
> 
> say hi in the comment section or on tumblr: lexa-el-amin.tumblr.com :)


	5. Great Evader Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> family day at the zoo feat. anya!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait! 
> 
> it is hard for me to write conversations, so i wanted to work on that.

_Where has the light gone I can't find it_  
_All of these streets are paved with broken bodies_  
_I've read the books, I've studied case by case to learn_  
_The more you know the bittersweet it tastes_

 _And oh my Lord I've lost my mind again_  
_Confused by all of these choices in my head_

 _Is there anybody out here_  
_Who can make, make this stop?_  
_So tired of feeling_  
_Oh these burdens, this being_

“Who is the grump now, huh?”

“Rude. You are so rude to me.”

A chuckle. “Aden, you had more than enough ice cream.”

“There is no such thing as enough ice cream. Clarke, help me.”

Clarke was watching with sparkling eyes and lips tugged upwards in amusement as Lexa and Aden discussed what amount of ice cream was enough for a 12-year-old boy, with their points of view differing completely. They were sitting at a little booth with two red benches opposite each other, tucked into the corner of a small ice cream parlor, with Lexa and Clarke sharing one bench and Aden and Anya the other.

They had picked up Anya at the train station an hour ago, Lexa fidgeting and giddy and grasping Clarke’s hand tightly since Clarke had met up with them, Aden quiet and nervous because he hadn’t interacted much with the older girl yet, and Clarke captivated by Lexa’s obvious excitement to see her foster sister again. She had been even more enamored with her awkward dork when Anya had finally exited the train and Lexa had just gone rigid, tense, unsure how to greet her, stuffed with emotions but unable to transfer them into physicality. So Anya, equally useless in Clarke’s opinion, and Lexa had just stood in front of each other awkwardly until Clarke and Aden had shared a look, rolled their eyes and told Anya how happy they were to see her again.

As they had made their way over to the ice cream parlor Clarke had held Aden back so that Lexa and Anya could walk next to each other in front of the two blondes; she had been able to listen to Lexa mumbling out a quiet “I missed you a lot” before Anya had thrown an arm around her shoulder and replied with “Me too, kiddo”, to which Lexa had responded with a shove and the demand not to be called that anymore, but a fond smile on her face and pink cheeks blossoming under her black rimmed glasses.

Now Clarke cast her gaze away from her two bickering idiots and shared a look with an amused Anya, who was quietly enjoying the show from her seat.

“Sorry Aden. But when Lexa says you had enough ice cream for now, it’s no use fighting her on this.” she replied while knocking her shoulder against Lexa’s playfully.

Aden scowled at her and crossed his arms. But then Clarke leaned forward, brought her hand up to her mouth and fake-whispered: “But we can slip away from her later at the zoo and get some more in secret.”

“Clarke!”

“What?”

“You can’t –“ Lexa started before she let out a deep sigh that was paired with a disbelieving chuckle.

“I can’t survive ice-cream-lacking winters when I’m not eating as much ice cream as possible on beautiful sunny days like today to make up for it.” Clarke concluded proudly.

“Exactly!” Aden chimed up from the other side of the table and earned a glare from his sister. She then directed her attention towards Anya, who was still watching in silence with a smirk on her face.

After another exaggerated sigh Lexa said “Why did you move away and leave me alone with these two?”

“Aww rude, Lex.” Clarke shoved her a little before continuing. “We are awesome company.”

Anya hummed her agreement, her lips still tucked upwards and a mischievous glint in her eyes. “And they do have a point. We have to eat as much ice cream while we still can, right?” Clarke and Aden both nodded like excited five-year-olds as Anya got out of her seat. “Come on, I’ll buy you two another round.”

Clarke laughed as the older girl shot Lexa a wink after she let out an annoyed groan and that laugh felt so bubbly and freeing, she could already tell that it would be a great day. She gave Aden a high five as they bounced excitedly to the front of the shop.

\-----

Despite the worry that had tugged at the base of her skull for the last few days when thinking of the prospect of visiting the zoo again after two and a half years, it was surprisingly peaceful to be here. It was one of the last places she had visited with her dad before his passing, as a father-daughter-day on a beautiful spring day to celebrate the acceptance letter she had received from a special art program summer camp that she never ended up participating in after all since May had rolled in like a dark soul crushing wave and had swept all joy out of her body.

Although Clarke had assured Lexa, who had fretted over what they could do with Anya for the last five days before Aden had excitedly suggested a visit to the zoo, over and over again that she would be okay going there again, she actually hadn’t been very sure about it; she had been anxious about the feelings that would be evoked by physically walking through such fond memories, by creating new and losing old ones in the process, but Lexa needed this day at the zoo with her sister and maybe she needed it, too – as a bittersweet reminder that places were just places and only your own body was capable of preserving the remembrance of the past.

It was tough for her to let go of the tight grasp she had around the thought that places and objects were sanctuaries which allowed her to jump back in time and bring her closer to the past; but in order to prepare for moving on, moving out of her childhood home, letting go, for that she had to focus on other strategies and embrace what she had treasured inside her head and heart instead and let it strengthen her.

Clarke had expected to be overwhelmed with heartbreak upon entering the zoo, but beside a dull ache in her chest she just felt full of happiness and contentment on this crisp sunny day in late October. Because Aden was loosely grabbing her pinky to gently tug her in the direction of the lion compound while the fingers of her left hand were intertwined with Lexa’s so that her heart was beating strong and steady and reminded her how alive she was and how full of love, with Anya and Lexa in a heated discussion and full of teasing and Clarke just giggling along.

Surrounded by Lexa, Aden and Anya she felt safe and lucky and like part of a family. She had lost her dad and it hurt that he couldn’t be with her, but she had found a new sense of belonging all on her own, there were no people she would rather have by her side when remembering the good she had felt in this zoo; with them she was able to yank all negative entanglements out of her brain.

It made her realize that memories weren’t about places at all, but rather about the people by your side.

When they reached the lions and started to circle the compound, Aden went ahead at a faster pace to find the sign that stated names and ages of the inhabitants. Anya was telling them about her studies and how much fun she had between lecture periods when she was able to spend a few weeks helping and teaching in an elementary school near the city center, with Lexa casting glances towards Clarke from time to time and offering her the biggest, brightest smile.

Clarke drifted back into thought, because she was overwhelmed by seeing Lexa so at ease and joyful after weeks of furrowed eyebrows and slouched shoulders, making her realize how much energy it brought the brunette to be in the presence of all the people dearest to her heart again after so long and to be allowed to slip back into the role of the little sister who got to be teased and made fun of, but also worried over and cared for, shedding the constant responsibility of being strong and a guide to Aden for at least a little bit with Anya around. It made her realize how much Lexa had been in need of this chance to leave her tense reality and lose sight of all her burdens for a bit and just be a teenager at the zoo.

Clarke’s mind was led back to the outside world as the conversation was interrupted by Anya’s ringing cell phone.

“Sorry, I have to take this.” she mumbled with her gaze steely and not lifting up from her phone as she stepped away a short distance.

Clarke turned to Lexa and tugged at her hand so they were standing chest to chest, smiling up at her. “You having fun?” she asked.

“Yes. Very much. I missed Anya. Like in person. It’s been so long and with you and Aden here too it’s perfect.” she smiled and pushed at her glasses with her left hand. “Are you having fun, too?”

“Mhmm.” Clarke hummed as she let go of Lexa’s right to sneak her hands around the other girl’s waist to hug her tightly, with toe-caps kissing as her shoes pointed forward like an arrow, with chin resting on shoulder and eyelids fluttering shut as Lexa burrowed her face in Clarke’s neck and squeezed tightly in return.

After they parted, Lexa reached out to grab her hand again. “Everything okay?” she asked softly and with worry in her eyes.

“Yeah.” Clarke’s heart was stuttering because of the sight in front of her. “It just makes me so happy to see you smile and I’m glad that Anya got time to visit you.”

Lexa’s lips stretched into another smile, but before she could reply Anya interrupted them with a “Hey, lovebirds”, which made them separate their hands like they had been burnt and Clarke looked away embarrassed, heart beating furiously, because she felt like she had been caught, like Anya had looked right through her skin.

Clarke cleared her throat and looked at Anya expectantly, who seemed kind of nervous, with the way she fiddled with her phone and her face set, nothing like the content expression she had had just a few minutes ago. Lexa seemed to notice too, because she made a step towards her sister with furrowed eyebrows and head slightly tilted.

“Anya, what’s wrong?”

The older girl heaved out a deep breath and, after sliding the phone into her pocket, her right arm crossed her torso to grab her left elbow.

“That was Tristan on the phone. He told me that one of the DJ’s at this hot shot event had to bail and now he booked me the gig. It would give me a lot of publicity and they are paying well.”

“That’s great, Anya!” Clarke exclaimed excitedly but her face turned solemn as she turned to Lexa who had her lips pressed together and swallowed before asking “But?”

“But…” Anya continued. “It’s tonight. Which would mean that I can’t stay the whole weekend and I really want to spend more time with you, because I missed –“

“Anya, it’s fine.” Lexa interrupted softly. “This is important to you and a big chance and you need the money. So you should go.”

“We haven’t seen each other in months and I promised you…”

“Yeah, well, but you didn’t know that this opportunity would come up. It’s okay. We still have the whole day ahead of us.”

“You sure?”

Lexa gave her a curt and determined nod paired with a hum.

“Then I’m gonna call Tristan back and tell him that I’ll be there tonight.” Before stepping away again she reached out and squeezed Lexa’s shoulder. “Thanks, kiddo.”

Clarke could see that Lexa was disappointed about the prospect of a now even faster impending goodbye to her sister, but before she was able to utter consoling words Aden came running towards them with a big smile on his face, oblivious to the -at least for the moment- somewhat tainted atmosphere.

“Lexa! Clarke! Oh my god, what are you still doing here, you are missing everything! The cubs are out playing in the sun. We gotta hurry back!”

Aden’s enthusiasm made both of them smile and Clarke turned towards Lexa with an idea in mind just as Anya made her way back to the group.

“Hey Lex, Anya, we should split up for a while, so you can have some alone time. Me and Aden are gonna check out the lion cubs and go on our own little journey and we can meet back up in two hours to get lunch together. What do you guys think?”

Anya just shrugged her shoulders, but Lexa looked unsure for a second, casting a glance at Aden, her reluctance to part ways with her brother evidence on her face.

“That’s fine with me.” Aden delivered after sharing a look with Lexa. He then grabbed Clarke’s hand and began tugging. “But Clarkey we got to hurry, before you miss the cubs!” 

Clarke laughed and carefully freed her hand to hug Lexa one last time. “Have fun.” she mumbled into her neck before giving Anya a slightly awkward wave. “Bye guys, see you later.”

“Don’t let him get eaten by a lion.” Anya teased as she pointed towards a backwards bouncing and impatient Aden.

“Clarke!”

“Coming!” She rolled her eyes and gave Lexa one last smile before hurrying after the cute boy.

\-----

Under the warm rays of the low-lying sun the world around her was illuminated in light colors, and as the crisp temperature and stinging wind were reminders that winter would soon start its annual march to conquer and cool, Clarke was enthralled by the enthusiasm and joy Aden radiated while swirling through the zoo, bright smile, open eyes and loose tongue; tugging her along like a magnetic force that she needed to be close to. It was a vision to see him so fascinated and in love with the world as he got the opportunity to experience, as he got attention and care, and a chance to see places beside the house, the school, the swimming pool.

It was thrilling and saddening at once to be the one to take a 12-year old boy on his first adventure, to pull him out of his dark childhood and lacking foster home and give him the chance to physically explore what gorgeous things life had to offer.

Clarke expanded her mental deliberation from earlier upon the sight in front of her; not only did _she_ need this day at the zoo to find closure, not only did Lexa need it as a chance to reconnect with Anya, but Aden needed it too – to be a kid. He needed this disruption of weekly routines as a chance to see and feel and breathe uncommon territory.

No one else ever did something like this with him, Clarke realized; not his own family in their drug induced haze or violent outbursts or whatever traumatic past it was he kept quiet about, and certainly not Titus, who was only in it for the money. She and Lexa were the only people in his life that really cared and worried and wanted to provide the best they could give.

This kid, this beautiful, sweet, smart and gentle kid, was invisible to the world, was only a number, void of emotional attachment, with no one desperate to nurture his potential and love him or worry about his future – with the exception of two 17-year old girls.

Her belly tingled and her heart ached when they sat down next to each other on a bench in front of the energetic and goofy monkeys, Aden pressing his side right into Clarke’s and enjoying the show with a huge smile and attentive eyes. Aden – and Lexa, too – had fallen into this unfortunate life, always paying for other people’s fuck ups, for adults making bad choices, innocent and helpless and never in a position to speak up and decide for themselves.

They had been pressed into this role without consent and couldn’t escape, because they were children and had no voice of their own and no one else speaking up for them. And Clarke felt utterly helpless, because she wasn’t able to get them out of these circumstances and guarantee that they both got provided with the help and support they both deserved. She could only stand idly by and watch.

But maybe keeping up with what she was already doing was as much support as her position allowed, she thought. Maybe just being here was all she could give, although she was desperate for so much more. Maybe making them feel loved and wanted was enough for now. Maybe devotion and a sense of belonging was all they needed from her anyway.

A content sigh left her lips and she let her head fall to the side so it could rest on Aden’s blonde crown, content and drowsy after nearly two hours of exploring and thinking, happily embracing this short pause before they would head over to the next animals, nearing the middle of the zoo where they wanted to meet back up with Lexa and Anya.

She felt Aden stiffen next to her all of a sudden before shifting in his seat, which made her straighten from her slouched position.

“Clarkey?”

“Hmm?”

“Can I ask you something?” Aden murmured in a voice much softer than before, somehow unsure and nervous, and Clarke leaned slightly away to be able to look at his face instead of the monkeys dancing and shouting a short distance in front of them.

“Sure, always. Shoot.”

“Are you and Lexa… like… a couple?”

Clarke froze. “Uhm… no… no! We are not. We are best friends.” She inhaled sharply. “Why would you think that?”

“It’s just… a friend of mine at school told me about this TV show where a foster kid, like me, goes to live with this family and his new foster parents are two women and they are married and have children. She said they are lesbians and she thinks they are a really great couple and take care of everyone and I just… I guess it reminded me of you two. Sorry.”

“No… don’t apologize.” She had to smile, because his rambling had actually been very cute and it made her stomach bubble that Aden had thought of her and Lexa in _that_ way when his friend had talked about a TV show. He still looked so nervous and uncomfortable and his hands were grabbing the material of his pants in tight fists.

“I was wondering…” he continued. “I just thought… if you two _were_ together that maybe you would know… what it’s like to… you know…” he heaved another breath before looking up at Clarke with uncertainty in his eyes “to have a crush on your friend.”

“Oh, sweetie.” She melted inwardly, because he looked so worried and scared and it made her heart ache and love him even more.

“It’s okay to have a crush on your friend. It’s completely normal to feel that way.” Clarke said as she carefully opened his left fist to hold it with both of her hands.

“But… he’s a boy.”

“That’s normal, too.”

“You think?”

“No, I _know_ , Aden. There is nothing to be so nervous about. If you like a boy, you like a boy. No big deal. Okay?” she smiled at him.

He visibly relaxed for a second, but still kept his gaze on his lap and fiddled with Clarke’s fingers.

“Have you been thinking about talking with me about this for a while?” she asked softly and he gave her a nod.

“And you were scared that I would think it’s weird that you like a boy?”

Another nod. “Just… I feel like most people would think I’m weird… so I didn’t say anything when my friends talked about their crushes. I felt so lonely.”

“Hey, I’m here. Always. And Lexa, too.”

“I know.” Aden looked up at her and gave her a little smile. A pause. “But… although it’s okay for you… I don’t feel like you completely understand what it’s like, you know? And I guess I hoped that you and Lexa were together, because that would mean that you could relate and… I don’t know, it was a dumb thought.”

“No, not at all. You told me, but some part of you still feels alone somehow? Because you are a boy that likes a boy and you thought I am a girl who likes a girl.”

“Yeah.” Aden said while nodding again. “It sounds stupid but it would have made me feel better.” He paused and looked at her with big eyes. “Not that I’m not feeling better already. I’m glad I asked you and told you and that you are here for me” he rambled.

“Aden, it’s fine” Clarke laughed. “Besides…” she braced herself and pressed her lips together tightly for a second as her heart knocked furiously against her ribcage. “… just because Lexa and I aren’t together, doesn’t mean that I don’t like girls.” More specifically _a_ girl, Clarke thought to herself.

He just stared at her for a second and Clarke could literally see the gears working in his head. It felt good to say it out loud. And to actively acknowledge it to herself, too. To not only accept her feelings for her best friend, but to also embrace the reality that she liked _girls_. She had totally overlooked that fact, so preoccupied with Lexa, but now, talking to Aden, it was something she was utterly sure of. She felt attracted to boys and she felt attracted to girls and she wouldn’t want it any other way.

“You mean…?”

“I can relate, yup.”

“Awesome.” Aden gave her a big smile, before he started frowning, as if contemplating something. “Is… Lexa one of the girls you like, though?”

Clarke kept quiet; because she didn’t know if she wanted to share the answer to that question. Aden would be the first person she let in on the infatuation with her best friend. Okay, Raven and Monty knew, but not because she had told them, but rather because they had figured it out on their own. But this would be an active choice, a shared secret, an unavoidable but trying to keep hidden truth.

“Because… like I said; you already look like a couple to me, but if that’s not the case… I don’t know, maybe you are on the way there? I think you two are so great together and if you like a girl, I’m just hoping that this girl is my sister, cause I don’t know anyone I’d rather see her with.” Aden added and it helped Clarke with making her decision.

She grabbed his hand again which she had let go off for a beat to brush blonde strands of hair out of her face and gave him a sad and watery smile, because this kid was spectacular and kind and she just had so much love for him inside of her chest.

“That’s so sweet of you to say.” She took a deep breath. “I do like your sister. But that doesn’t really matter, because Lexa needs a best friend, so I’ll be that to her.”

“Did you ask her about it?”

Clarke gave him a confused look.

“If she only needs you as her best friend and not as more. You guys won’t just stop being best friends if you get together, you know.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I just think you should talk to her about it and ask her how she feels.”

“But…” Clarke was dumbfounded. “No. I can’t do that. That’s selfish. I can’t put my feelings above our friendship.”

“I think it’s selfish, if you keep it from her.” Aden replied. “Like, imagine she feels the same way and is afraid to tell you and feels miserable because of it. So you can’t really know what she truly wants and needs, if you don’t talk to her about it. Someone has to take the first step. Let it be you.”

“I… I can’t just…”

Aden huffed out a frustrated sound. “So you told me it’s okay and normal to have a crush on a friend. But you are not supposed to do anything about it and be miserable and hide it from that person forever? Clarke, that’s stupid, I don’t want to do that.”

She sighed. It made so much sense what Aden had said, but last week it had also made so much sense what she had decided at Well’s place. That it would be best to sacrifice her feelings for Lexa’s happiness, to be what she needed her to be and silently carry her burdens.

But maybe it had sounded so reasonable, because she had been driven by fear? Wells had been so sure that Clarke would never reciprocate his feelings, but was she so sure about Lexa, too? She had immediately shied away from the prospect of telling Lexa, to avoid selfishness and heartbreak. It had seemed egoistic to her to burden Lexa with the knowledge of the extent of feelings Clarke had for her, that it would make their friendship awkward and tense, since she imagined Lexa seeing them as friends and friends only. Clarke had been aching in advance at the thought of resentment, at the thought of Lexa telling her that she could never feel this way about her.

But what if… Clarke wasn’t Wells and Lexa wasn’t Clarke and their roles weren’t interchangeable but rather entirely different? Maybe Aden was right and the only way to solve and deal with this was to be honest and communicative. It had been hypocritical of her to tell Aden that it’s okay and normal to have feelings for a friend, she realized now, when she subconsciously reprimanded herself by the minute for being so stupid and falling for Lexa, for ruining their friendship.

She had told him it’s okay, when really the only solution to her own situation was hiding and burning and aching in secret. That was stupid. And not a healthy way to cope at all and especially not when your best friend was gorgeous and kind and understanding and no one you had to be afraid of.

Bless this sweet child, Clarke thought to herself, because Aden had pulled her out of another spiral of self destruction and misery before it could have been too late. She had to talk to Lexa about this; on the one hand to get this secret off her chest and be honest about how warm and happy she really felt in her presence, and on the other hand to tickle the tiny amount of hope she had stored somewhere in the back of her mind, that maybe Lexa felt the same way.

“You are a little shit, you know that, right?” she mumbled as she leaned forward and hid rosy cheeks in chilly palms.

“I am most certainly not, thank you very much.” He gave her a soft shove.

Clarke sighed and leaned back against the bench. “I guess I should talk to her, huh?”

He gave her a sympathetic nod.

“And do you want to talk to your guy, too, eventually?”

“Yeah, maybe. Eventually.”

“Don’t feel pressured. We just figured out that it’s totally fine to feel the way you do. You’ve got all the time you need to see how everything pans out, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks, Clarkey.” They smiled at each other.

“I feel like you did more helping than I, to be honest.” Clarke chuckled and took a look at her father’s watch. “Come on, squid, we gotta go, or we’ll be late.”

“You just can’t wait to see your girl again.” Aden said before jumping up quickly to sprint a few steps away from the bench to avoid Clarke’s shove.

Clarke chuckled to herself after cooling down from Aden’s sassy reply and followed him past the monkeys. After a few more moments in safety the blonde boy waited for her and bumped his shoulder against Clarke’s once she had caught up with a grin on his face.

“I guess you got to step up your game, if you want to be my wise gay yoda from now on.”

Clarke snorted. “Hey, it’s only my first day on the job. And if we are doing nicknames, I want to be O ** _bi_** wan, that’s way more accurate.”

\-----

They found Lexa and Anya leaning against a wooden fence that separated trail from grassy field, both with crossed ankles and hands tucked into the pockets of their leather jackets, faces turned towards each other and Anya telling Lexa something with a stern face, while the younger girl gave little nods. Aden ran towards them, which made both look up and Anya’s face turned into a huge smirk while Lexa blushed and fumbled with her glasses.

Clarke came to a stop in front of the three and shared a little smile with Lexa while Aden threw himself into a wild retelling of the last two hours. After he was done he took a deep and exhausted breath before turning his whole body towards Lexa. “Can we please get food now? I am starving.”

They decided – or rather Anya and Clarke, because they were lazy – that Lexa and Aden would go get hot dogs while the two of them secured one of the picnic tables scattered across the little park marking the center of the zoo with playground and food stands to its left and right. From her spot on the bench, which was weather licked and full of little knife carved messages, Clarke was absentmindedly watching Lexa bicker with Aden while waiting in line.

Her brown hair flowed out from under her grey beanie in wild waves and she had a gentle and amused smile on her face as Aden grabbed her arms and positioned them in a certain way so they could support another of his passionate adventurous retellings and Clarke’s heart fluttered, because she adored nothing more than the sight of a carefree and peaceful Lexa, a young and excited Aden by her side and the feeling of completeness and safety it gave her.

She let her gaze focus back on Anya who was studying her with a smirk on her face which made Clarke awkwardly clear her throat and she was glad when Anya refrained herself from commenting.

“So…” Clarke started. “I’m glad you found some time to visit. Lexa’s been talking about nothing else the last week.”

Anya leaned forward to prop up her chin on her hand. “Yeah, me too.”

“I feel like she’s the happiest when all four of us are together.”

“Hmm, can’t tell. She’s always shitting sunlight when you are around.” Anya retorted, which made Clarke stare at her. The older girl let out a chuckle. “God, you two are exhausting.” she muttered.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Clarke asked with a racing heart.

“You know what I mean. Take right now for instance. As soon as you are not attached by the hip anymore the pining begins and makes me want to stab my eyes out.”

“I – that’s not true.” she stuttered.

Anya laughed. She let her arm fall onto the table and turned around to look over at Lexa and Aden. Clarke followed her line of sight and her belly churned when her gaze met Lexa’s who gave her an awkward smile before adjusting her glasses and turning her front in the direction of the food stand.

An exasperated sigh drew her attention back towards Anya’s face. “See? I am just objectively observing here. And have been doing so for over two years now. You two idiots need to finally get your shit together.”

It floored her to hear Anya speak so boldly. First Aden and now her, as if they had secretly established an alliance, dedicated to stressing Clarke out. Yesterday she had still been under the impression that her crush on Lexa was only obvious when she didn’t hold back, like when in the presence of Raven and Monty, convinced she had it under control outside of that bubble. Although she had used Wells as a buffer for as often as possible to reduce one on one time with Lexa all of last week, he still had no clue that Lexa was the person she had told him about. Maybe because at school the two of them weren’t constantly hovering in each other’s space, holding hands and hugging, making Clarke all giddy and nervous, like it was the case today.

She was severely stressed out by Anya talking so openly about her interpretation that Clarke was pining after her little sister, immediately feeling caught. She was still considering  tiptoeing  back towards the mindset Aden had pulled her out of earlier, towards the decision to tuck away her feelings and continue her role as best friend only. Because – when Clarke was honest with herself – she was still looking for reasons to be able to keep her invisibility cloak on in front of Lexa. Every ounce of her body desperately wanted to avoid truth talk with her, because she was so fucking scared.

There was so much fear inside of her awoken by the prospect of communicating about her feelings, by the prospect of change – sudden change with an outcome that couldn’t be calculated beforehand – so finding a loophole was an unconscious desire she had, but what Aden and Anya were offering was stoking her will to fight instead of supporting her flight response.

Clarke sighed and rested her forehead on her fingertips, elbows leaning on the wooden surface. “Am I that obvious?” she asked in a desperate voice.

“You both are.”

She looked back up. “You think?” Hope bubbled. The kind of hope she had forcefully pushed down, the kind of hope that was gasping for air, that wanted to grow and be fed, but that she had deprived of oxygen at all costs to rather let it drown, drown, drown.

Anya snorted. “Hell yeah.”

A little shy smile crept onto Clarke’s face and she looked down, her eyes automatically studying the pattern of the wood while her brain blended out the incoming information, instead showing her blurs and figures, Lexa-shaped and loose and lovely, simultaneously evoking nervousness and calmness.

It felt like a blanket of certainty and reassurance was put around her body, because maybe the pulling and rattling of her heart and the racing and dreaming of her mind weren’t doomed to stay achy and hopeless forever. She felt like a weight had been lifted off her chest upon the prospect that she wasn’t alone in this longing for more after all.

At the same time she sensed the jitters sneaking in, because _oh my god_ so many scenarios were playing in her head, thoughts about what and how conversations were to be held and realizations that things would inevitably change as soon as she let her secret slip out in front of Lexa.

“Maybe Lexa could sleep over at your place tonight, since I am heading home early.” Anya suggested, which made Clarke look back up.

“No. No – I’ll be fine on my own.” she answered immediately, because having Lexa over tonight was a little too fast of a chance to have a talk.

“Hey, that’s what your godfather thought of in the first place, anyway.” she shrugged. “Just saying.”

“No, thanks.”

“I think maybe it would keep her from wallowing over my early departure for too long. You make a good distraction.” She winked.

“Anya, oh my god.” Clarke huffed out a breath. “Stop.”

The older girl lifted up her arms in surrender and let a sigh leave her lips before turning around for a second time. Clarke focused on the background too, spotting Lexa and Aden immediately as they made their way to the picnic table with hands full of food and drinks.

“Clarke.” Anya said and Clarke’s eyes travelled back towards her. “Just think about it.”

She gave Anya a confused nod, already preoccupied with Aden plopping down next to Anya with a big smile. Without paying much attention to the girls he dreamily whispered “Food” before taking his first big bite. Lexa let out a chuckle as she carefully sat down next to Clarke and started handing out the food and drinks she had carried and the ones Aden had carelessly unloaded onto the table.

“So, what have you guys been talking about?” Lexa asked after taking a long sip of her drink to make up conversation.

Before Clarke got a chance to reply Anya beat her to it. “Oh, nothing much. I suggested that you could sleep over at Clarke’s tonight, since I am heading back early.”

Aden peaked up at that and nudged Clarke’s leg under the table while simultaneously giving her an encouraging smile, but she ignored him in favor of fixing Anya with a glare.

She turned her head to look at Lexa, who smiled at her, as if thrilled by her sister’s idea. “Should I ask Titus about it later?”

“No. You don’t have to. I mean – I will be fine on my own. I’m a big girl. No big deal.”

Lexa chuckled. “I know that I don’t have to. I want to, though.”

Clarke stared at her, uncomfortable and not sure how to respond.

“It’s been a while since our last sleepover.” Lexa continued. She knocked Clarke’s shoulder with her own and continued happily. “So. Do you want to as well?”

Of course she wanted to. In theory. In reality though, she wanted to hide for at least ten more years to build up the courage to talk to Lexa. It was the reality of sudden change always controlling her life, the apprehension that it would happen again now, when she had only recently forced balance into her daily routine and didn’t want to risk breaking this sense of stability and clarity to pieces that held her back.

Although Aden had encouraged her to open up to Lexa and Anya had hinted that the feelings were mutual, it was still hard to wrap her head around the truth that their dynamic and friendship would unavoidably alter and Clarke wasn’t sure, if she was ready. She yearned for consistency and safety and Lexa reflected exactly this for her; but would it still?

Clarke’s doubts and fears were accompanied by tiredness deep in her bones at the same time. A prickling and nibbling at her soul after keeping such an all-consuming and passionate sensation to herself and away from Lexa for nearly a month. Some sort of anger at herself for making such a big deal out of all of this, creating this drama in her head, instead of staying calm and cool and unbothered. She knew that the anticipation was worse than the actual conversation and aftermath would and could ever be and that her head would totally produce more issues, fears and complications the longer she waited.

Lexa was looking at her with a soft smile, with ketchup sticking to the left corner of her mouth, glasses halfway down on their journey to the tip of her nose and eyes green, gentle and glorious.  It made Clarke realize that – yes – change was terrifying and sometimes unexpected, but also necessary for life to move forward and relationships to develop. In this moment her body wanted nothing more than to gravitate towards this source of light in front of her and her lips wanted nothing more than to devour lips, but it couldn’t happen yet.

Clarke realized that she was so used to the cruel kind of change, that she was letting herself miss out on the good type. She had reached the point where she was already participating that something bad would inevitably happen.

But this was Lexa. And Lexa was good and hope and trust. Maybe it was time to forcefully plunge into uncertainty.

“Clarke?” Lexa’s voice made eyes lingering on lips wander and refocus.

“Yeah…” Clarke breathed. “Of course I want to.”

\-----

Saying goodbye to Anya got harder every time for Clarke and she could only imagine how Lexa felt whenever they had to part again.

Clarke was so glad that Lexa had this steady figure in her life, someone she had grown up with and who was invested in her future. She loved to witness their interactions, because they allowed her glances behind the curtain to see the different layers of Anya instead of only being privy to them through Lexa’s stories. Anya could come off as snarky and distant to people she was wary about but once you knew her better, she conveyed a sense of belonging and safety, her smirks and dark humor were infuriating and funny at the same time and her passion about helping and educating kids was simply moving.

It amazed Clarke how someone who looked so apathetic and broody was in fact one of the most compassionate and supportive people she knew. And whenever one of her rare visits came to an end it was obvious how much Lexa missed her permanent physical presence and support and just – having her sister by her side.

After a few more hours at the zoo and leisurely strolling through the city, they were now on their way to the train station, with Aden walking to Clarke’s left, his hands grabbing a stuffed giant squid that Anya had bought for him and Lexa to her right, their hands connected and arms swaying, while Anya was a few steps behind them on another phone call with Tristan to talk through her schedule for the remainder of the day.

When they reached the old brick building Lexa led the way inside and after checking the huge monitors hanging from the ceiling they maneuvered through old and young, groups and loners and all different kinds of people coming from or heading for another journey, until finding the correct platform. A long train in dirty white with red stripes was already waiting on the rusty tracks, calm and patient between the buzzing and scampering of passengers, their vibe infectious and making Clarke’s heartbeat quicken.

They formed a dysfunctional half circle next to a closed kiosk a few steps away from the crowd’s flow and Anya readjusted the strap of her backpack that was hanging from her left shoulder, brown eyes not leaving Lexa’s form.

“So…” she started, casting a quick glance towards the train. “I guess it’s time.”

“Yeah.” Lexa replied in a small voice and Clarke squeezed her hand a little tighter. Anya stepped closer to her sister and raised her right arm to place her hand on Lexa’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry for leaving early.”

A sigh left Lexa’s lips and she looked up from studying the ground. “I know.”

“But this gig is a once in a life time opportunity.”

Anya moved a step back, arm falling to her side and Clarke studied her face, how she pressed her lips together, cheekbones sharp, brows furrowed, but eyes vulnerable.

“This gives me a chance to make more money out of these gigs. I could look for an apartment; get out of the college dorms.” She hesitated. “You could come live with me once you’re 18. If you decide to go to my university.”

The air was prickling for a second as no answer left Lexa’s lips and Anya nervously readjusted her backpack again, but then Clarke felt how her hand got abandoned with Lexa’s fingers carefully slipping out of her grasp before her best friend’s body moved forward in a rush, both arms circling Anya’s neck and pressing chest tightly against chest.

“I’m gonna miss you” was quietly mumbled, barely reaching Clarke’s ear, but bridging the distance anyway and tugging at the corners of her and Aden’s mouths.

After a moment of tense shoulders and arms uselessly dangling at her sides, Anya hugged Lexa back by encircling her waist. “And I’m already missing you, kiddo.”

A crackling voice, announcing the upcoming departure of Anya’s train in five minutes, made them awkwardly part and Anya turned towards Clarke, reaching out to offer a handshake. Clarke chuckled and rolled her eyes, before giving Anya a hug, too.

“Group hug!” Aden proclaimed as he tossed himself against Anya’s and Clarke’s side.

“Oh my god, no!” Anya grunted, but Lexa was already joining Aden with a happy laugh to successfully sandwich the two girls between them.

An exasperated “Okay, okay, enough” from Anya made them step back after a moment, Clarke, Lexa and Aden smiling, with Clarke’s grin widening even more after spotting the disgruntled look on the older girl’s face. But Anya’s features softened as she gazed from left to right, shoulders sagging and sigh leaving her lips. “We have to do this again, soon.”

“The hugging?” Aden and Clarke asked nearly simultaneously, already stepping closer again and making Lexa laugh loudly. Anya immediately took a step back.

“No, you idiots! Oh my god.” But then a smile tugged at her lips, too. “Lexa, would you please bring me to safety?”

Her sister chuckled again. “Of course. Let’s get you on that train.”

Clarke brushed Lexa’s arm and gave her a small smile. “We are gonna wait here for you, kay?” She received a nod.

Before Anya and Lexa made their way over to the train, Anya turned around one last time.

“Hey, Clarke.”

“Hmm?”

“Thanks for looking after my sister.”

Clarke chanced a glance at Lexa, who looked back at her while fiddling with her glasses.

“Always.” she replied, still not looking at Anya.

\-----

After watching the train slowly glide out of the station, Clarke turned towards Aden.

“Should we get more ice cream on our way home?”

“Oh my god, Clarke!” Lexa exclaimed, before joining the two blondes in their giggling.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be one chapter but the day at the zoo got much longer than expected and i wanted to let the conversations stand alone rather than being overshadowed by the clexa scenes ahead. clarke really needed to hear some more perspectives other than wells'. 
> 
> so what do you think? and who is captain of the clexa ship? anya or aden?
> 
> feel free to leave a comment or say hi on lexa-el-amin.tumblr.com :)


	6. Great Evader Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a gay disaster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy holidays!
> 
> the sleepover arrived. the talk is happening ;) 
> 
> (just a heads up: this chapter doesn't particulary end happy, so if you only want to read fluff during the holidays, you should stop reading after Lexa leaves Clarke's place on Sunday morning.)
> 
> and trigger warning: mention of violence and sexual assault (implicit)

_And oh my Lord I've lost my mind again **  
** Confused by all of these choices in my head_

_Is there anybody out here_  
_Who can make, make this stop?_  
_So tired of feeling_  
_Oh the vastness of being_

 _You give, they'll take, to realize_  
_It's never enough, no one is satisfied_  
_You'll give, they'll take, to realize_  
_It's never enough, never enough_

She was tucked into the corner of Marcus’ couch, feet propped up on the coffee table and Lexa’s head resting in her lap, _Tangled_ playing on the TV in front of them. Clarke loved watching this movie with Lexa, because they both knew all the songs by heart and while she was always singing as loudly and melodramatically as possible, Lexa would only hum along or breathe out the lyrics, beautiful and soft and Clarke adored nothing more than this tender side of her.

Between her fingers she had strands of Lexa’s hair, which she was carefully braiding and just playing with, not quite as captivated by the movie as she normally was since she was planning conversation starters in her head for later, when she wanted to talk to Lexa about her feelings. She was positively totally freaking out on the inside, stomach bubbling and heart pounding, but while Lexa was the reason for that, she was also keeping her grounded and collected in this moment.

It was an abstruse sensation, because, in her head, Lexa was split into those two figures – the best friend Lexa and the ‘I have a giant gay crush on you’ Lexa – resulting in a constant inner clash of emotions. The realization that she was falling for Lexa had led to this weird expansion of their relationship; new threads were dangling from one to the other now, new perspectives were to observe and new possibilities had developed for Clarke to examine herself and Lexa separately and as a pair.

But the new categories were added to the old ones instead of replacing them, building this massive maze of contradictions, for instance, making Clarke calm and nervous in the presence of Lexa at the same time. For Clarke it felt as if she was lying on the couch with one Lexa right now, while in her head she was preparing to interact with another Lexa.

Clarke noticed that the actual Lexa was unusually quiet in her lap and thinking back she had been like that for a while. Thinking back it dawned on her that she had been so wrapped up in her own mind worrying about future Lexa, that she had completely blanked out on present Lexa and all the telltale signs she showed when something was bothering her.

Guilt rushed through her veins, because of course Anya leaving early would be affecting Lexa and she had probably hoped that a sleepover would distract her from the early goodbye, but right now Clarke was doing such a bad job with distracting others, being completely busy with her own mess.

Normally they would talk throughout the scenes and joke countless times how desperately they needed to reenact a frying pan fight, but this time it was quiet between the musical interludes. Now that Clarke had finally realized the weird tension in the room, the preoccupation of minds swallowing the light atmosphere a Disney movie usually brought, she couldn’t sit still anymore, because she desperately wanted to help Lexa and make her feel better. While her right hand tucked a loose strand behind Lexa’s ear, she let her left carefully comb through brown curls; then she traveled lower to draw patterns on Lexa’s upper arm which was peeking out of the fluffy blue blanket.

“Lex?” she asked while lightly tapping her fingers against the other girl’s shoulder.

“Hmm?” she hummed in reply and turned her head to look up at Clarke.

“I’m sorry that Anya left earlier than planned.”

“Don’t be.” She moved her gaze back towards the TV and let out a sigh. “It’s fine. That gig is important.”

“You are important, too.” No, she thought to herself, you shouldn’t take this road.

A chuckle. “I know, Clarke.”

“No, you don’t.” Oh snap.

Lexa looked back up at her with a frown. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Clarke blinked at her, while sorting through the whirlwind of answers swarming her brain. It drove her furious sometimes, how Lexa always felt like others spending time with her was an inconvenience, was a burden; how her subconscious irradiated it automatically after years and years of being told that this was a fact: she was a waste of time. How it was acceptable for her to be overlooked by adults.

It drove Clarke furious that Lexa had internalized this treatment and was applying it to every other relationship in her life, never expecting to be a priority to someone else. How she had just – this belief in her that it was okay not to receive care while caring about everyone else. How she had started to accept that no one assigned to watch over her really watched over her, really stuck around and did their job. How she was oblivious to this behavior and called herself important, when it was only a theoretical concept for her and nothing she was able to transfer to daily life and interactions.

It was Clarke’s weak spot to hear Lexa say she knew she was important, when she never acted that way, rather stepped back, accepted and dealt with stuff on her own. It made her impulsive and reckless and stumble into arguments with Lexa, because it drove her mad to see Lexa getting hurt and not fight back. It drove her mad to see Lexa accept her negligence as if she didn’t deserve better.

She lifted her arm as Lexa slowly moved out of her lap to place herself in a sitting position, her front angled towards Clarke and legs bent and hidden under the blanket, eyes studying Clarke expectantly. 

“It means…” Clarke breathed out before raising her voice “that you always put yourself in second place! I’m not sure if you even realize it, but you never expect anyone to treat you as a priority.” Her voice cracked and she pulled her legs close, pressed her side into the back rest of the couch. “And… I think you do that because you belief you don’t deserve it. You make yourself little, when you are the opposite. You are so fucking great and I hate that you don’t see that.”

“I – “ Lexa pressed her lips together and studied her hands as they tightly grabbed the blue material of the blanket flowing around her waist. When her eyes shot back up she looked exhausted. “I can’t help the way I feel, Clarke. Beside you and Anya and Aden I can’t remember anyone paying attention to me. You guys are the only people who bother to get to know me as more than a foster kid. It’s hard to unlearn what I’ve been conditioned to feel all my life. I never _was_ anyone’s priority.”

Clarke reached out and gently pried open Lexa’s right fist to tangle their fingers together. “But you are now. Anya said it herself. She plans a future with you. She wants you around. That gig is important to her only because it is gonna help her to achieve that future.” She watched as Lexa gave her a tiny nod and swallowed before continuing, her voice trembling. “And Aden and I worry and care about you, too. So much. It breaks my heart to see you getting hurt and refuse to do anything about it.”

Lexa looked at her with narrowed eyes, immediately understanding what she was hinting at. “Clarke…” She let her hand slip out of Clarke’s hold. “We talked about this…”

“Yeah and you refuse to listen!”

“That’s not –“

“I don’t want you hurting just so you can be here with us. We are family, no matter where you are.”

Clarke paused. Lexa sat in front of her with lips pressed together and body tense, eyes fixed on the ground. She was so fucking stubborn sometimes and it made Clarke furious that she had accepted this situation and had adapted to it. That she would shut down as soon as they so much grazed the topic. Of course Clarke was aware that Lexa endured it, because she wanted to be a constant for Aden and because she wanted to be by Clarke’s side, but – she was sacrificing herself for it.

“Quint is treating you like shit. He hurts you and abuses you and –” she choked “and tells you all these lies, tells you that you are worthless and that no one loves you…” She grabbed Lexa’s hand again and the brunette looked up at her with an emotionless face, guarded and unreadable. “Fuck, Lexa! It’s not okay. You deserve better and we are not worth it to have you being mistreated like this.”

Although the TV threw colorful and happy lights and tunes into the room, for Clarke it felt anything but. She felt disconnected from Lexa, because the girl in front of her was still motionless and hard and avoided looking at her. There was a metaphorical wall between them and Clarke couldn’t understand Lexa’s point of view and Lexa couldn’t understand Clarke’s.

“Lexa, please talk to me.” she asked timidly.

“What do you want to hear, Clarke? I told you why I can’t say anything.”

“Yeah, because you always put yourself in second place.”

She got fixed with a glare and pressed her lips together. Lexa was quietly brooding, with her brows furrowed, eyes dark and distant and her jaw muscles twitching, her face so fierce and intimidating without glasses framing it. “I’m leaving.” she exclaimed all of a sudden and scrambled off the couch, standing still for a second when she was on her feet.

Clarke gaped at her. “Wait… what?!” It took her a second to process what was happening before she jumped up herself as Lexa turned towards the door.

“Lexa!” No reaction. “What the fuck, stop!” She hurried over and folded her fingers around Lexa’s forearm in a light grasp which made Lexa halt in her exit.

“Please don’t leave.”

Lexa turned her head to look at her. “I’m done talking about this, Clarke.”

“Well, I’m not.” Very sensitive, Clarke, she thought to herself. But it was true. She took a breath and softened her voice. “Lex. I’m sorry for making you angry and for bringing this up again. But…” her hand let go of Lexa’s arm to grasp her own, shielding her stomach. “I just… I think about it every day, every night and it hurts me so much to know that this is happening to you and that I can’t do anything to help you and that… that you are doing this to be here for me. I don’t want you to put me above your safety.”

How could she let the person she adored most in the world suffer, just so they could be together? How could she be so selfish? It was so hard to talk to Lexa about this, because she didn’t want to understand, she was so fucking stubborn and Clarke was so helpless and worried.

Lexa chanced another glance at the door before slumping her shoulders and letting her palm press against her forehead for a second, accompanied by a sigh leaving her lips.

“But I’m not.” she whispered.

“What do you mean?” Clarke pried gently and when Lexa finally met her eyes she was stunned by vulnerability and emotion shining out of them.

“I don’t…” she hesitated and her gaze jumped from Clarke’s face to studying the room and back to the blonde; nervous, uncertain and restless. “I don’t put myself in second place.”

Clarke opened her mouth to form a reply, but Lexa lifted her hand to signal her to stop and continued with a trembling voice. “I am being selfish.”

“You – what?” she gave Lexa a perplexed look and let her arms fall to her sides. What the hell?

Lexa turned fully towards her. “I see how you and Aden are struggling with the situation but I still can’t bring myself to do anything about it.” She sighed and wrung her hands and desperately tried to avoid looking at her best friend. “Clarke. I –“ A swallow. “I am being selfish, because I don’t want to lose this. I finally found a home and a family with you and… I don’t care if it means getting beaten up and treated like shit as long as I have something to look forward to every day.”

Before Clarke could form a response or process what had been said at least – her brain mostly felt mushy and overwhelmed – both got startled by the forgotten movie calling for their attention with its dramatic climax, loud and angsty, but preparing to flow into a fluffy ending. Lexa reacted first and strode towards the remote to pause the display, so that instead of an attack of colors and sounds, it got quiet and frozen, with only dark blue illuminating their bodies and faces. The atmosphere in the room shifted with a click of a button as well, hot-headed accusations and passionate opinions felt like too much for Clarke all of a sudden, instead the silence irradiating from walls and furniture seemed to be expecting honesty from her.

But Lexa beat her to it. She gently placed the remote back on the coffee table before letting out a deep breath and turning around to face Clarke again. The light from the TV was framing her figure and loose hair, but kept her face in the dark, eyes the easiest for Clarke to make out.

“It’s true what you said, Clarke” she began with a soft voice. “Others are always my priority. Anya taught me how important it is to look after each other. And so that’s what I do. I take care of others. I might not be significant in this world, but my actions can be.” She took a shaky breath and her voice was slowly cracking more and more. “Sometimes it doesn’t avert the outcome; like when Tris died. But… but it brought me here. I met you and things changed. Because for the first time in my life I don’t endure my foster home for the sake of enduring, or to look after and protect someone else. Of course, I am taking care of Aden, but – I _want_ to stay here. I am doing it for me.”

Everything not Lexa was banned from Clarke’s senses and her breathing became shallow and uneven when the brunette took tentative steps towards her, stopping an arm’s length away. “Clarke, I – never felt like this before. And I am afraid that I’ll lose this feeling if I leave.” Her right hand slowly pressed against her sternum, first flat, then fingers bending and crumpling the material of her loose grey t-shirt. “You make me feel this way.”

It echoed in her head, was like a reoccurring beat, in sync with the drumming of her heart – _you make me feel this way, you make me feel this way_ – washed over her and stunned her, because it was such an unexpected twist that she never could have imagined when mapping out the dialogue for the night – _her_ dialogue, that Lexa had somehow completely snatched away from her and taken control over; it made her unable to move or react when Lexa closed the gap between them with a final step. When she slowly raised her hand away from the spot on her chest to gently press her palm against Clarke’s left cheek.

Breathing was hard, because suppressed but still needed, resulting in shallow little intakes of oxygen that didn’t really bring relief to her lungs. But she didn’t dare to allow more – breathe more – afraid to burst the bubble and drive Lexa away when all she wanted was to have her closer. Never in her life had she experienced something so fully, or rather, no one had ever been so careful and consensual with her. But Lexa looked at Clarke for a long moment, her green eyes searching and jumping from left to right and right to left, wild and vulnerable, uncertain yet determined. It gave Clarke the impression that time was slower in this instant, maybe because anticipation was increasing her heartbeat and made all other thoughts fuzzy.

When Clarke’s hand moved to Lexa’s waist and her thumb rubbed along the grey fabric, their eyes stopped dancing and being transfixed on each other and instead fluttered shut as Lexa leaned forward.

There wasn’t anything rushed about it. Slow in making and execution. Clarke felt Lexa’s lips press against hers and halt there, before moving back a little without retracting fully, leaving only a breath between them and making Clarke long for more as she stretched her neck and slightly tipped her head, chasing the taste and enveloping Lexa’s bottom lip between her own.

It was a new kind of revelation how lips could do so much talking without uttering a word. How Lexa’s lips against hers was so sacred and special that it could only mean one thing, _say_ one thing, and thus become a higher form of expression and declaration. Clarke was overwhelmed by it all.

Just like Lexa had offered her the lead, Clarke let the energy flow back to her; after a surge of passion, a long press, a desperate need of translating her emotions into physicality and touch, she retreated slightly and offered Lexa to be in control of the next moment, like a beautiful and soft alternation of giving and receiving.

She felt a shaky puff of air ghost over her wet lips and Lexa’s nose rub against hers as she tilted her head and changed the angle, the palm of her left hand sliding over Clarke’s cheek as well, to envelop her face completely and pull her closer. When Lexa reconnected their lips her chest pressed against Clarke’s and the feeling of it urged her to grab Lexa’s waist with both her hands now, which made everything so much fuller and warmer.

After another beat of kissing each other Lexa slowly stepped back and let her left hand fall to lightly grasp Clarke’s forearm which was still angled towards the brunette’s hip. Clarke kept her eyes tightly shut, savoring the tingling of her lips and the sparks in her chest; just trying to hold onto this moment of pure bliss and excitement, but also calmness, before she slowly opened them, before she let them focus on Lexa’s wide eyes watching her with mouth agape.

“Clarke – I…” she started stuttering but got hushed with a quiet “shhh” and a smile as Clarke let her arms slide completely around Lexa’s waist to hug her tightly and bury her face in the other girl’s neck. She felt how Lexa brought her arms up around her shoulders and heard a content sigh slip from her lips.

Never in her life had she experienced something that could compare. Never had she felt so happy. And never before had she seen Lexa make such an unexpectedly bold move or do something so spontaneous. She chuckled into Lexa’s neck before shifting a little so her words wouldn’t come out in a mumble.

“Lex, you – you kissed me. I can’t believe you kissed me.” she whispered.

The body in her arms tensed for a second before relaxing again. “Yeah… yeah, I did that.”

When she leaned back to look at Lexa’s face her eyes were still wide and nervous and her arms retreated from Clarke’s shoulders to fall to her sides. Clarke carefully brushed a strand of hair out of the way and palmed Lexa’s cheek. “That was so unexpected.”

“I – I know. Crazy.”

“Thank you, though.”

Lexa let out a tiny snort and brought her hand up to her cheek as well to tangle Clarke’s fingers with hers and let them fall between them. She gave Clarke a bashful smile and her eyes sparkled. “You’re welcome, Clarke.”

Clarke chuckled again, because Lexa was such an adorable idiot. “I can’t believe you sometimes. Like –“ she turned around and dragged Lexa to the couch, plopping down and bringing her knees to her chest, with Lexa pressing her shoulder into the back rest and letting one leg dangle, hands connected between them. “I was so nervous about tonight, cause I wanted to… talk to you about…” she paused and Lexa nodded to signal she understood what Clarke was referring to, but she felt like she was owing it to her to utter the words out loud.

“I wanted to tell you” she started again “that I have feelings for you. Like more-than-best-friends feelings.” She held her breath and her right hand tapped nervously against her leg while trying to read Lexa’s face, who simply pressed her lips together to hide a smile and blinked at Clarke, hold tightening on her hand.

“Yes-homo-feelings.” Clarke stated with a wink to ease the tension in her body and Lexa chuckled, rolled her eyes and brought her palm up to hide her face. “But, well, guess you kinda had to be the center of attention, Lextra.”

After receiving a little glare for the nickname and a slap against her knee both sported an easy smile, content and relaxed. Clarke lifted Lexa’s right arm to dive under it and shift her body into a lying position, with her head placed in Lexa’s lap, her figure rolled into a ball and Lexa’s hand clutched against her chest with both hands. She closed her eyes and concentrated on her breathing and the feeling of Lexa’s free hand playing with blonde hair and tracing patterns onto the skin of her face.

It was quiet and peaceful for a second before a river full of thoughts splashed to the front of her brain, urged her to replay the events of the last few minutes and wonder what they truly meant. While the weight of secrecy about her feelings for Lexa was lifted off her shoulders now and her heart felt full after Lexa’s words and the kiss, she had also simultaneously stepped into new territory; into a fragile and uncertain alteration of their relationship that she wanted to nurture and embrace and treat with the utmost care.

This right here was what she wanted, what made her happy and her life easier and better and it was a relief to hear confirmation from Lexa that she felt the same way. They were each other’s strength and light and love and while it was the greatest sensation Clarke had ever experienced, it was also terrifying how much power and control this single connection had over her entire being, how it influenced all of her so strongly.

“Lex?”

“Hmm?”

She turned her head to look up at Lexa, who studied her with a smile, face still only illuminated by the blue light of the TV and Clarke reached out with her right arm to tenderly touch Lexa’s upper lip with her index finger, then her cheek, before tugging a strand of hair behind her ear and retreating again. 

“What do we do now?” she mused.

“What do you mean?”

“This – we – changed. I don’t know how to act. What to call us. I know it happened like one second ago but I’m already overthinking.”

Clarke closed her eyes and a sigh left her lips as Lexa pressed her palm against her forehead.  After a beat of silence she replied in a quiet voice: “Because you look at it as if it was a sudden change, when in reality it was gradual and has been happening for weeks, months even. The only thing different is the way you look at us, while we basically remained the same.”

 “I was so scared that you wouldn’t feel the same way and that I would ruin us with my feelings.” Clarke whispered and she looked to the side to hide her face and vulnerability.

“Me, too.”

She turned back to catch Lexa’s gaze. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Lexa’s answer was small and more breath than voice, her eyes black circular islands in a white sea reflecting the blue artificial light from the LED screen, big and raw and open and stranded on Clarke’s face, unable to escape and look away. It ached in her chest every time Lexa was doubtful and insecure and it made her think back to their facetime conversation last Sunday, when Lexa had been agitated and hurt by Quint’s words – worried that they would fall apart and were too good to be permanent, since Lexa had never experienced a bond like this before.

It hurt to know that they – Clarke and Lexa – were special to her, but unique to Lexa. In a sense that Lexa was subconsciously awaiting the moment when it would slip out of her fingers and be another closed chapter in her life, another ending followed by an unwanted beginning. While Clarke knew loss and sudden, forceful intrusion into her daily life, it had always been an exception, but for Lexa it was an unwanted normal.

“Thank you for telling me, despite your fears and doubts. I am so glad you did.” She lifted Lexa’s hand from its place against her chest to press a tiny kiss against her knuckles. “And you’re right. It’s new and exciting but also no different at all, just like you said.”

\-----

After a few more quiet minutes of just staring at each other – being with each other in this new context where every touch had a more powerful meaning – they decided to abandon the rest of the movie and head to bed instead. Clarke bumped shoulders with Lexa as they brushed their teeth and observed the bashful smiles and little glances Lexa gave her after every touch through the mirror above the sink; her own cheeks hurting and toothpaste staining her lips from the sloppy smiles that forced themselves onto her face out of sheer happiness. Lexa carefully removed a dot of toothpaste from the tip of her nose with a delighted laugh before they quietly crawled under the blankets of the small bed Marcus had bought her all those months ago. Back then it had been a lonely thing, clashing with the rest of the room’s furniture; dark wood and bordeaux colored sheets tucked into a corner and surrounded by cardboard boxes filled with parked memories and metal structures providing health and strength and fitness: a comfy blob dropped into a place that was used but not lived in. Now it was the other way around. Banned into a corner were metal and cardboard, instead a desk, a chair, a closet had taken their place, instead drawings, photographs and posters pinned to the walls and clothes scattered across the floor proclaimed that this once hollow room had become a home. 

Clarke took one last look at the rumpled picture of her and Jake taped against the wall right next to her bed post before clicking off the light on her bedside table and leaning on her right elbow to hover over Lexa’s form. She was illuminated by the fairy lights Clarke had put up around the window on the wall across from them, her hair wild on the pillow and she was looking up at her with the most gorgeous smile.

“Now I finally have everything I need here in my room.” Clarke whispered. 

“You are so beautiful.” Lexa replied in a breath. “Here” she continued, reaching out to let her fingers ghost over Clarke’s cheek “and here”, palm now pressed against her sternum.

Clarke swallowed and kept her eyes fixed on Lexa’s as she shifted her weight from elbow onto forearm, bringing their bodies that much closer. She then gently pried Lexa’s hand away from the spot over her heart to tangle it with her left and slowly pin it down next to the brunette’s head, so that she was hovering over her completely now.

Lexa licked her lips. “That was a great kiss.” she stated.

“Yeah, it was.”

“I almost can’t remember what it felt like.”

“Me neither.” Clarke leaned closer. “Do you want to do it again?”

“Yes, please.” Lexa breathed.

She smiled down at her and let her eyes flutter shut, closed the gap and pressed lips against lips.

\-----

Morning came in a tangled mess of sheets and limbs, two bodies closely pressed against each other and fingers grabbing clothes in a subconscious reflex to make sure that the thing that provided warm skin and warm heart wouldn’t leave. Although they had woken up close and cuddling countless times before, Clarke could feel the difference even with her eyes still closed and forehead pressed against Lexa’s collarbone. Previously touching Lexa had meant providing comfort and reassurance, it was done to make the other feel better, while now it also transmitted a message of mutual attraction and care, a way to say things that lips weren’t ready to spill just yet.

Lexa’s fingers twitched against her back before the brunette inhaled a deep breath, body tensing and relaxing, arms tightening their hold on Clarke and right foot traveling up and down her naked calves. The closeness made her already dread all the mornings when they wouldn’t and couldn’t wake up together while also making her giddy for more – more Lexa, who kissed her breathless at night, who she needed to hug tight afterwards, because her eyes were shining in the dark, overwhelmed by this new reality; who softly stroked her back while still in a state between dream and reality and who murmured not _hi_ or _morning_ but “Clarke” into her hair in greeting.

It was easy and special, just like always, to spend a day with her. To roll out of bed and share glances and giggles, to answer _i miss you_ texts from Aden with cute pictures of the both of them, cheek against cheek, and with those silly ones Clarke loved to take during breakfast – some of Lexa glaring over the rim of her glasses while munching on her cereal, some of herself with mouth hanging open and food visible, the shot usually catching Lexa with an adoring smile in the background, grumpiness about unwanted pictures suddenly forgotten – and to huddle close together on the couch or the bed afterwards and help each other study before falling into an easy silence with Lexa reading and Clarke drawing. While the procedure wasn’t much different today, both of their behavior certainly was, visible through constant bashful smiles and openly admiring the other one, through seeking touch and uttering confessions held in for too long.

Clarke didn’t feel nervous at all, although it had been her initial worry, but comfortable and as if this was the thing she didn’t know she was looking for until it had literally smacked her in the face, now sure that she didn’t want to live one single day without it. The missing piece that hadn’t even been missed until found, the step into the unknown she didn’t dare take on her own but once bridged in unity was overflowing her with such an exhilarant and buzzing sensation that she wanted to burst out into a sprint and never look back. She had been haunted by a subconscious longing itching to get satisfied for months and months, until it had become a clear concept in a realization of attraction and in the shape of Lexa and now it was finally quelled due to finding a sense of belonging in her and with her. This was the relationship upgrade they were always destined to receive.

And when early afternoon rolled around and Lexa had to head back home to be with Aden since Titus was on another date and Quint was scheduled to look after them, an ache settled in Clarke’s chest, because she was scared that this had been a mere dream, a fragile bubble popping as soon as Lexa left through the door. Maybe it was the seed Lexa had planted in her brain with all those stories, with her conviction that things tended to break as soon as you settle in and get attached too much; maybe it was because of yesterday’s argument about priorities and selfishness. Maybe a tiny little part of her was scared that Lexa would rethink this and conclude that being Clarke’s best friend would be better for Clarke than this. Maybe she would decide to swallow her feelings after years and years of needing to do exactly that to survive.

It resulted in Clarke being a quiet broody thundercloud, clinging to Lexa like a lifeline as the brunette packed her stuff and slipped on her shoes and ended up standing in the middle of the hallway, apartment door white and visible and waiting across from them and she sighed and embraced Clarke’s body to press her closer to her.

“What’s wrong, Clarke?” she asked in a quiet voice.

Clarke let her eyes stay shut and concentrated on her fingertips trailing over Lexa’s back and how they collided with the tips of her long brown curls. After a moment she leaned back, urged Lexa’s hands lower so they entangled her waist to then carefully rearrange black rimmed glasses and press her palms against Lexa’s cheeks. She furrowed her eyebrows and whispered: “Lex, it’s not selfish to want something.”

Lexa looked to the side, then down, but Clarke didn’t let go of her face, didn’t let her escape for more than a short gaze into the distance. She waited until green eyes settled back on her. “And I want you.” She paused and observed how Lexa’s gaze turned soft and broken. “I want to be with you. I want this. Please promise me that you’ll try to believe that you won’t just lose this. Because I won’t let that happen. Promise me that you’ll believe in me.”

Lexa softly nodded her head against Clarke’s palms and Clarke let them fall onto her shoulders. “Okay.” she whispered in a shaky voice. “Okay. I promise.” Hands snaked around neck and Clarke pressed her close.

“It’s not selfish to fight for your own wants and needs, Lexa. Please start believing that.” she mumbled into her neck and Lexa trembled in her arms and her hold around her tightened even more.

When Lexa moved back and when Clarke saw her face with tears under her eyes and quivering lips her throat constricted and she felt so much; so much need to make life easier, to make Lexa’s past easier, to give her the best, because the best was what she deserved and nothing less.

“Clarke, I –“ a shaky breath left her lips and now she was the one grabbing Clarke’s cheeks. “I want this, too. So much.” A hollow laugh. “More than anything I ever wanted. You –“ Lexa closed her eyes for a second, swallowed and reopened them. “I – I...” she pressed her lips together and looked hopeless and lost before grabbing Clarke’s left hand to press a kiss against the palm. She slowly let it fall back against Clarke’s side and repeated the motion with her right, then she reached out and traced Clarke’s eyebrows with her index fingers, her nose, cheeks, chin, hairline, before taking Clarke’s face in her hands again. Clarke’s eyes fluttered shut, her heartbeat rapid and out of rhythm and her brain tickling, fully concentrated on the feeling of Lexa’s lips leaving a soft press against her forehead, the tip of her nose and finally against her own lips, just short and sweet; pulling away right after and taking Clarke’s hands in her own. When her eyes slowly opened again, Lexa gave her a sweet little smile, so different from the distress that had been on her face just a few moments ago.

“I have to head back now.” she whispered. “But… this is real. I’m not letting it go.”

“Okay.” Clarke replied and she squeezed Lexa’s fingers. “Texting later and face timing tonight?”

Lexa nodded.

“Goodbye kiss?”

She nodded again and Clarke let go of her hands to reach out and grab neck and waist. Her lips worked against Lexa’s in the sweetest match, making every little fiber of her being prickle and dance and consume her with the smell and taste and feeling of Lexa. But only after a short moment she broke apart again, because this was supposed to only be a tiny reminder to cherish in the time spent separated, so she shifted and pressed another kiss to Lexa’s cheek before resting her chin on her shoulder and hugging her one last time.

When Lexa had slipped out of the door Clarke stood in the room for a second, just breathing in and out, before slowly moving towards the living room and couch and sitting down on the edge of the cushion. The silence around her was liberating in a sense that it didn’t overshadow the time with Lexa but instead helped solidify it, gave her the space to process and engrave it in her brain and let her thoughts and heart linger. She leaned elbows on knees and her cheek against one palm and just – closed her eyes, smiled and felt weightless.

In this instant life seemed to be good to her after weeks and weeks of sadness and despair. After running away from home and having clashing, contradicting, just utterly confusing feelings for her mother – of hate and love, longing and revulsion, pity and incomprehension – after finding a sort of sanctuary in Marcus’ apartment, only to have conception and knowledge of herself completely shattered through realizing her feelings for Lexa. But somehow she had been lucky enough to softly land in this moment of peace. Calmness. Lexa had grounded her and had silenced the everlasting whirlwind of worry and sloshing wave of panic looming over her insides.

The rest of the afternoon was spent enveloped in a happy haze, filled with daydreaming and zoning out in front of the TV, lazily awaiting Marcus’ return in the early evening. She and Lexa only exchanged a handful of texts since the girl was strict on wholeheartedly dedicating her time to Aden and giving him her full attention, especially after they had been apart for a while. Wells sent her a few texts, too, to ask about her weekend, which had her contemplating for a while, staring into nowhere with her bottom lip tugged between her teeth and an itch to share and gush, but eventually deciding not to. Because she liked the feeling of having all the information pressed inside of her and nowhere else, liked the feeling of having no words, merely thoughts for all of it. The freshness and tingling of recent touch, of pressing lips and reassuring words were a sensation still and not a story yet. Clarke wanted to keep it close to her chest for a while longer before spilling it out. So she told him about the day at the zoo, the sleepover and movie night, but skipped the details and asked about his day in return. 

\-----

Clarke and Marcus sat opposite each other at the dinner table when it happened.

He had enveloped her in a big hug after making it through the door, had presented her with a few packages of soap snatched from the hotel room as a lousy souvenir, which had coaxed a snort and smile out of Clarke, not very stunned by his creativity but touched by the gesture, and after unpacking and resting for a bit they had made dinner together. Marcus had told her about conferences, arguments and the lack of time not trapped in a room full of old white dudes and now, in the midst of telling him about Anya’s gig and early departure, she got interrupted by her ringing cellphone. The screen showed a picture of Aden, eyes tightly pressed together and lips stretched in a smile as Clarke pressed a kiss to his cheek, and she was a little surprised since they usually texted or facetimed but rarely called each other unannounced.

“May I?” she asked Marcus with furrowed brows, index finger pointing at the phone. He gave her an encouraging nod and she pushed her chair a little bit away from the table, rested her elbow on the back of the chair, swiped the screen, smiled and answered with a happy “Hey buddy! What’s up?”.

“Clarke?!” came Aden’s answer in a panicked voice. “Clarke, something happened and I don’t know what to do.”

Immediately her face fell and her stomach was in knots. “Aden, what’s wrong?” Subconsciously she reached out and tightly grabbed her thigh with her right hand, noticing out of the corner of her eye that Marcus placed down his fork and turned towards her.

“I – Lexa doesn’t move. I think she’s like in shock or something.”

“Is Lexa hurt? Aden, where are you?! What happened?” After the initial feeling of being glued to the chair she jumped up now, frantic and scared.

“Oh shit, Clarke, this is bad, this is really bad.” Aden whispered, not reacting to Clarke’s questions in any way, sniffling and breathing loudly into the receiver.

“What’s wrong?” Marcus asked in a serious and worried tone and Clarke gave him a helpless look, asked Aden the same question for a second time before placing the phone on the table and turning the speaker on, so Marcus would be able to hear Aden as well.

“Quint, he –“ the boy started and Clarke was about to interject and tell him that she was going to come over right now immediately and rescue them out of that house, but Marcus grabbed her arm with one hand and held out the other in a gesture to stop, whispering to “listen first”. A huff left her lips and she placed herself on the edge of the chair, body rigid and heart pounding as Aden continued. “– he brought his friend over… and they’ve been drinking in the kitchen and were loud… so we decided to rather go upstairs instead of sitting in the living room.” There was some shuffling on the other end of the line for a moment. “I went to my room and Lexa went to hers and I heard them downstairs from time to time but it was fine. But then they came running up the stairs calling loudly for Lexa. I – I sneaked to my door and didn’t open it ‘til I was sure that they had passed. I saw them go into her room and they slammed the door shut behind them.“

In an attempt to keep herself from shattering right there, in an attempt to brace herself for what was to come, she clasped her fingers around Marcus’ forearm in a death grip. She needed this physical connection to not feel completely overwhelmed and lost and she was thankful when Marcus put his hand on top of hers.

Aden’s voice began to tremble. “And… and I – I heard her scream and she told them to get off and get away from her, but I – they didn’t listen. Quint or his friend, I don’t know, screamed in pain suddenly and I heard like – a struggle, then Lexa came rushing out of the room and when she saw me by my door, she ran towards me and grabbed my wrist and pulled me with her into the bathroom to lock us in.” He took a shuddering breath and started to whisper again. “Quint came after us and he shouted and hammered his fists against the door and wanted us to open up. He… he stopped and I don’t know where he is now. And Lexa –“ he paused and shuffling was heard, voice turning even quieter, “she is sitting with her back against the door and is staring at her hands and – Clarke, it’s like she isn’t even there! She doesn’t blink or move and I tried to talk to her, but she doesn’t react at all and I – Clarke, please help.”

Clarke’s body went on autopilot after that, with her only conscious thought being Lexa; hands, mouth, mind working without her active devotion regarding anything else. Marcus told her what to do and what to say and she _did_. It was the kind of exceptional situation that doesn’t burn itself into your memory for ever and ever but rather becomes a blur, a hole that stays hole, no matter how hard you try to fill it up hours later when you want to recall.

Street lights passed her vision every few seconds and made her squint her eyes, as she found herself in the passenger seat of Marcus’ car, phone grabbed tightly in her hand and body pounding and screaming and ready to jump and run as soon as they arrived at their destination. Marcus had ordered Aden to reach out to their social worker and to then call Clarke again immediately after, so they could stay in touch while they were on their way, before he had grabbed his own cell phone to dial the police. It was astounding how capable Aden was and how he had completely taken over as soon as he had realized that Lexa wasn’t able to. It was astounding how utterly terrified and helpless Clarke felt, how she was basically a useless shell, incapable of dealing and staying focused or even managing the simple task of consoling Aden; it was a god damn blessing and she was incredibly thankful that Marcus was by her side, that he stayed calm and rational. It made her realize how absolutely unable she was to function when knowing that Lexa was in danger, was hurt; so consumed by worry it felt like shackles around hands and heart.

When her phone started to buzz again she simply activated the speaker and let Marcus do the talking, barely acknowledging what they said, only processing a small bit of their exchange indicating that Lexa was apparently still not reacting in any way. Her heartbeat sped up when Marcus left the main road after passing the bus stop, the car making its way up the little hill and into Lexa’s neighborhood. Fewer street lights introduced more darkness – a change somehow also reflecting what was happening inside of her, where the shadows of her thoughts were like claws clasping stomach, heart and lungs, trying to crush, crush, crush; a feeling growing in sync with the flecks of light getting fewer outside, the closer they got to Lexa’s house.

“Aden, we will reach the house in a bit. But I don’t want you to come out of that bathroom until the police is here. I want you two to be safe. We will wait in the car until they get here, okay?” Marcus said calmly.

“Okay.” a small voice replied.

He sounded exhausted and sad and Clarke couldn’t wait for the moment when she had him in her arms and was finally able to reassure him that he was safe now. She couldn’t wait for the moment when she finally reached her family, not just aching from a distance, but relieving some of their burdens. “Hey buddy, I will be with you in no time. Only a little bit longer, yeah? You’ve done so well.” she said as chipper as possible.

“Yeah…” He paused. “Please hurry, Clarke. I’ve never seen Lexa like this.”

“I will, Aden. Tell her I’ll be there soon.”

Once they were parked in front of the house, it took ten more minutes for the police to get there. Clarke’s right knee was bobbing up and down, while her fingers pulled at her sleeves, rested and pulled again, a never ending cycle of anxious energy flowing through her bones, her eyes studying the place that was tugging at her heart like a magnet, but she knew that Marcus was right in saying that they shouldn’t risk the chance of things escalating with Quint when they went to the door on their own and that it was necessary for her to remain in her seat and wait for help. But once she saw the police car rolling in their direction her body set in motion and she threw open the door to hastily – a little clumsy in her rush – jump out.  

She deactivated the speaker function and pressed the phone against her ear. “Aden, they are here. I’m on my way to you.”

Together with Marcus she met the two police officers half way, listened to them exchange information impatiently and with fidgeting feet and urged them towards the front door once they were done. Before asking Aden over the phone to come down and open the door they wanted to see if Quint would show himself. And after Clarke rang the bell, he actually did. One hand against the door knob, the other pressing a pack of frozen peas against lip and jaw, his broad shoulders shielding the view inside the house and with a threatening glare on his features, he took in the police officers, Marcus and lastly Clarke standing on the doormat.

She didn’t give him much time to react, when she just rushed forward, her right palm pushing the door open completely, while her left forced Quint’s hand out of the way, stubbornly slipping through the produced space and heading for the stairs; simply not acknowledging the complains, restraints and calls from behind her and instead whispering “I’m on my way up” into the phone between heavy breaths before ending the call. Of course there was rage and disgust bubbling inside of her and the utmost desire to scream and to slap that bulky piece of shit, but she knew that in the end it wouldn’t make a difference. It wouldn’t bring her peace and it wouldn’t change the past or make him feel bad about his actions, more likely even more satisfied, because he had gotten a rise out of her. So her priority right now was to let Marcus handle the situation downstairs while she took care of Lexa and Aden.

The hallway was dark except for a slit of light peeking out from under the bathroom door across from her. She put her phone into the pocket of her jeans and let her fingers brush against the wall, her breathing shallow in anticipation and eyes transfixed on her destination. Three quarters of the way to the bathroom the door already opened and a beam of light fell onto the ground and climbed up her legs, also revealing Aden’s blonde hair and big eyes. With a sad smile on her face she slipped through the crack and watched him shut the door behind her, waiting a beat and then enveloping him in a tight hug.

“Everything’s going to be alright, pipsquid”, she murmured into his hairline and felt the nod of his head against her chin.

After they parted Clarke turned around, with her back towards the door and her eyes finally getting the chance to look at the figure placed on the ground right next to the sink. Legs bent, thighs pressed close against her chest and hands grabbing knees, she was folded together into the smallest sitting position possible, maybe as fragile looking as her insides felt, compressed form only disturbed by her stretched out neck, allowing the back of her head to rest against the tiles and to watch Clarke with a gaze lost and broken.

“Hey”, Clarke said softly and she slowly lowered herself to the ground next to Lexa, pulling Aden along by his sleeve, the both of them squeezing themselves into the space between sink and wall. As her side pressed against Lexa’s the brunette released a shuddering breath before letting her head fall against Clarke’s shoulder, temple gradually gliding lower as Clarke carefully lifted her arm to encircle her body, while her left hand reached out to tangle their fingers together. Silence laid upon them for a moment, with Clarke placed in the middle, Lexa resting against her right side and Aden to her left. “You okay?” she whispered with head bent down towards Lexa’s ear and all she got was a slow shake to negate.

“I’m sorry, Clarke.” Lexa whispered.

“Don’t –“ she huffed out a frustrated breath, “never apologize for defending yourself, Lexa. Why would you apologize to me?”

Lexa moved away and straightened her spine to be able to look at Clarke. Her voice was cracking and her eyes were filled with tears. “Because I fought for myself and it somehow resulted in losing everything.”

“Shhh.” Clarke reached out to gently place her palm against Lexa’s cheek and her thumb swiped away a lonely tear. “Whatever is about to happen: I am so glad you were able to fight back.” Aden’s words from earlier crashed down on her again and she swallowed. Sitting here with Lexa and Aden and knowing that they were safe now flooded her insides with relief and she was confused that Lexa wasn’t in distress about what had happened but rather about the unknown aftermath this would bring. She couldn’t grasp why Lexa was so scared and worried about the repercussions instead of being shaken up about the past. But for now she just decided to justify the intenseness of Lexa’s reaction with all the stress she had gone through and pulled her close and into a soft embrace.

\-----

Their little bubble of quietness and numbness post-adrenalin-rush burst when Marcus knocked against the bathroom door a few minutes later, social worker right behind with the request for Aden and Lexa to talk with him in private. Clarke gave both of them another hug and reassuring words before the two followed him into Aden’s room, and nearly ten minutes later they were still in there. Fingertips tapped nervously against the wooden floor, gaze kept flickering towards the closed door, from the stakeout position she had taken immediately. She didn’t know how these things worked and after seeing Lexa so on edge, she felt the nerves creeping in, despite initially not being worried at all. Lexa was rarely devastated and now, when it wasn’t required for Clarke to be calm and comforting anymore, now, when she was sitting uncomfortably on the ground, left alone and wondering, she couldn’t help but fear what would happen once that door reopened.

Again she reached for her wrist to adjust Jake’s old watch and check the time: eleven minutes. A sigh left her lips, before turning her head to let her eyes investigate who was coming up the stairs, body relaxing upon recognizing Marcus’ features in the barely lit hallway, with the only source of light coming from downstairs. He placed himself next to her with a grunt and leaned his back against the wall.

“The police are waiting for Titus to come home before they are going to take Quint and his friend with them for further questioning.”

“Are they gonna take Lexa, too?”

“No… not today at least.” he replied, before tentatively reaching out and placing his hand on her knee. “But Clarke. When she and Aden tell their social worker what they told us, I guess he is not going to just leave them here. And I guess this wasn’t the first time something happened with Quint either, was it?”

Clarke bit her lip and hesitated for a second. “She refused to tell anyone beside me. She didn’t want her and Aden to get separated.” She only got a nod in return, Marcus kept silent otherwise. After a beat she continued in a whisper. “Lexa is not just gonna be leaving with her social worker tonight, right?”

“If he considers this environment as unsafe… he might talk to their guardians on the phone. But it’s a Sunday and late. I guess he has the authority to make a decision on his own. We’ll have to wait and see.”

She let her head fall against his shoulder and got trapped in her thoughts. Scolding herself for her naivety and for never fully grasping what fostering meant; although aware that most times it wasn’t permanent but rather uncertain and fleeting, rarely offering a place that children could settle down in and consider their home for the indefinite future, she never would have pictured a scenario like this, where in a matter of hours two kids were likely to just get pulled out of their current lives and planted into a new environment. She grew more anxious by the second, because in her head Lexa freeing herself from Quint would have been a few weeks of sleepovers at her place, before her social worker would have driven her to a new family. But here she was faced with the brutal possibility of a sudden goodbye, merely hours after the best moments of her life. She stubbornly refused to believe that Lexa was most likely leaving her tonight and held onto her fantasy, onto her faulty illusion, at least for as long as that door was still closed.

But of course it opened eventually, just a few moments after Marcus had headed back downstairs upon hearing a commotion probably caused by Titus’ arrival, and she scrambled onto her feet, stomach constricting upon seeing Lexa and immediately knowing what was about to happen. Because the Lexa coming out of that room was the complete opposite of the vulnerable, sad, broken girl that had gone in there 15 minutes ago. No hunched shoulders but chin held high and face fierce and rid of any emotions other than determination. And when her social worker shut the door after the two of them and said “Don’t take too long. I will make some calls downstairs and talk to your foster father.” she just gave him a sharp nod, chanced a glance at Clarke and moved towards her own room.

Clarke scurried after her, but halted in the door frame, not sure how to deal with this situation, what to ask and how to support Lexa, especially because she felt like a fucking hurricane was raging inside of her and she didn’t want it to come out of her mouth. So she swallowed hard and decided for the calm approach, let the door click closed behind her and positioned herself on Lexa’s chair right next to her desk, tense and at the edge of the seat, eyes observing Lexa on her tiptoes in front of her closet to reach for the old dusty suitcase hiding on top of it.

“What did he say?” she murmured eventually and Lexa turned, made one step towards the bed in an attempt to place the suitcase down but hesitated, brows creasing, to then kneel down and open it in the middle of the room instead. Once opened she looked up at Clarke and bit her lip.

“He told us to pack.” she started. A sigh left her lips and she clasped her hands together in her lap, posture stiff and voice monotonous. “He wanted me to depict what happened and asked me, if there were incidents before. Aden urged me to tell, so I did. He was very displeased to hear that Titus left us alone with such a violent and erratic person. He doesn’t consider this place safe for us right now and said that he is going to make some calls to see where he can place us on such short notice.”

“But – he can’t just take you. And Aden. You can’t just… leave.” she leaned her elbows on her knees and hid her face in her hands, feeling desperation rising more and more in her chest, bubbling and pressing, trying to get out in little sobs.

The sound of carpet scratching against clothes was heard, coming closer and closer, until Lexa was kneeling in front of her and gently removed her hands from her face. Clarke watched with mouth agape and eyes jumping across Lexa’s features, open and honest and void of the mask she had been sporting only a few moments ago, as she pressed them against her own cheeks instead, fingers not letting go, but holding them in place.

“There is nothing we can do now.” she whispered.

Tears started to form in Clarke’s eyes, because – yes – this was actually going to happen, this was actually a countdown to a sudden goodbye, a separation for an unforeseeable time and she wondered how Lexa had managed to so successfully lock her feelings in and jump to bitter acceptance in just mere minutes; she wanted the ache in her chest to stop, while simultaneously longing for all of it, since Lexa was worth all of it. A shuddering breath slipped out of her mouth and she pressed her eyes shut to fight the tears and force them back. She didn’t want to be the one needing comfort, when Lexa was the one forced to leave, the one who had been abused.

“It will be fine.” Lexa said. “You will be fine.”

Clarke bit her lip and shook her head and although Lexa probably tried to be strong, her eyes looked so fucking sad and devastated, that it made Clarke feel even more miserable.

“Close your eyes.”

Eyes fluttered shut and Clarke felt Lexa’s fingertips brush against her forehead to move strands of hair out of the way, before they retreated to the back of her neck and slightly pulled her forward to let lips press against lips; in a kiss turning breathier and more urgent the longer Lexa tried to show what she felt inside, but what she refused to let control her fully. Eyes stayed closed and foreheads touched, when they eventually broke apart.

“Don’t forget what it feels like.” Lexa whispered and her warm breath hit Clarke’s wet lips.

“I won’t.” Her thumbs traced over Lexa’s cheek bones. “I won’t.” she repeated.

After another moment Lexa leaned back, gently removed Clarke’s hands from her face and let them fall onto Clarke’s lap, clasped together.

“I have to pack and then help Aden.” she said with a frown and Clarke just nodded.

She pressed her body against the back of the chair, pulled her legs up, hugged them close and rested her chin on her knee, as she silently watched Lexa move around the room with purpose. First she pulled clothes out of her closet, mindful not to crinkle them and refolding a few items, concentrating on what was appropriate and needed for the season and leaving a good bunch behind on the shelves, enveloping them back in darkness for who knows how long. Next came the pictures drawn by Clarke and photo albums wrapped in old leather; they got tugged out of drawers, while pictures of Aden, Anya, Clarke and her were taken off walls and mirrors; then books, pencils and school stuff, all was neatly placed into an old shoebox.

Lexa collecting her belongings looked like such a routine, so automatic and trained, so fast and efficient, that Clarke had tears running down her cheeks, sheepishly wiping them away every time she suspected Lexa to turn around. She remembered the day over a month ago, when she had stood in her own room with the task to pack the things she would need in order to stay at Marcus’ place and it had been so incredibly challenging to decide what she actually needed and what not, especially since so much of her stuff was of emotional value to her. But here, Lexa was packing her life into a suitcase and a little shoebox in mere minutes, simply because there wasn’t much to choose from in the first place and because she felt no attachment to most of her belongings anyway. _Objects are just objects_ was the philosophy she had to get used to while growing up and it was so unsettling to actually witness it.

Once Lexa was done, she placed her luggage by the door, came back to take Clarke by the hand and lead her over to Aden’s room. After a curtesy knock they both slipped in. Aden was laying on the bed, pillow clutched against his stomach, in a fetal position and knuckles pressed against his eyes. His back hit his suitcase lying behind him, half filled with toys, books and another pillow, while items of clothing, notebooks and playing cards were scattered across the floor. He stopped his choked sobbing once he noticed them and sat up.

While one hand was rubbing at his eyes and nose he said in a cracked voice: “I just – I didn’t know what to pack...”

Clarke tugged at Lexa’s hand and they tiptoed over to the bed, sitting down on either side of him, while Clarke immediately laid her arm around his shoulder to pull him close and Lexa took his hand. “Hey, you already did so well.” she murmured, leaning back and examining the suitcase. “I’ll pick a few clothes for you and then we’ll need your toothbrush and maybe a few pictures and school stuff, okay?” He nodded where his head was tugged against the crook of Clarke’s neck.

After Lexa squeezed his shoulder she stood up to silently collect the items on the floor and fold pieces of clothing before putting them into Aden’s suitcase. Clarke concentrated on the blonde strands of hair between her fingers and her hand rubbing bony back, the feeling of Aden’s arms around her waist and the sounds of his sniffling into her shirt.

“Will we ever see each other again?” he whispered.

“Of course, Aden.”

He leaned back and looked at her with big eyes. “Are you sure?”

No, she wasn’t. She had no fucking clue how everything would work out. How to keep in touch. How to get in touch in the first place. But she wanted nothing more than for it to be a sure thing.  “You are my little padawan. I need you in my life. So I’ll try everything to make that possible, okay bud?” was her answer instead, and Aden nodded and pressed his face back against her collarbone.

\-----

After leaving Aden’s room everything was over in a flash. They made their way downstairs to the kitchen, where the social worker leaned against a counter and was quietly discussing something with Titus, who sat with slouchy shoulders, one hand picking at the sleeve of his wooly beige sweater with a plaid shirt peeking out at the collar, while the other was tightly holding a mug. He scrambled to his feet once he saw the kids in the doorframe but before he could get a word out of his mouth the social worker stepped forward.

“Perfect! I was just about to get you! I found a place where you can stay at least for tonight.” he said in a chipper voice and Clarke was sure that she had never been in such a bizarre situation before. Because his tone and smile was so fake and failing and his words made Aden look even more miserable, while Lexa’s posture just got more stiff. They looked so lost and uncomfortable, and it was just not fair.

Even this goodbye was not theirs to be controlled as the social worker told Titus he would be in touch and then immediately took the lead towards the door, leaving it to Marcus who stepped out of the living room to help Aden carry his stuff, while also leaning down and murmuring him reassuring words in his ear. Clarke just silently followed Lexa as she made to follow him outside.

“Lexa.” Titus voice made them both turn back around and look towards the kitchen entry, where he was grabbing the door frame with his left. “I – I am sorry, I didn’t know.”

Clarke looked at Lexa who closed her eyes for a second, pressed her lips together and inhaled sharply. In an icy voice she replied “More like you didn’t want to know.”, then she turned around and followed the others through the open door. 

\--

It felt like her heart got squashed in her chest as she watched Lexa walk towards her, just a moment after Aden had said his goodbyes with a last embrace, now climbing into the back of the car. She had started crying then, because he was the most amazing and kind and smart 12-year old in the whole world and she didn’t want to be without him. But now, being faced with this goodbye, with _their_ goodbye, her sobs turned kind of erratic and her gasping for air kind of desperate, but she couldn’t help it, because Lexa was her fucking bubble of joy and today the rug got pulled out from under her in the most violent way.

Lexa grabbed her shoulders. “Clarke. Breathe.”

And she tried, she really tried to take steady breaths, but the fact that Lexa managed to be so composed and calm right now, frustrated her on top of everything else.

“How can you be this calm?” she choked.

Lexa clenched her jaw and Clarke reached out to trace the muscles with her fingers, because – well, she still could and didn’t want to hold back.

“Because this is the way it always is.” Lexa whispered, hands falling to her sides and fingers rolling into fists. “Nothing is permanent.”

Her heart sank. Of course Lexa would still believe that. Of course she had no hope, when nothing had ever worked out in her favor. Clarke stubbornly rubbed at her right eye.

“Don’t you dare say that. I am permanent. I will always be with you.”

Lexa pressed her lips together and looked at her with a stoic face, head titling in a little nod, but green eyes sad as if saying “I know you want to, but it won’t happen” before pulling Clarke into one last tight hug.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, we had to get Lexa out of there.
> 
> so how did you like the sleepover and Lexa's unexpected declaration of her feelings? and isn't Aden the cutest?
> 
> i also want to say that i am talking very badly about the foster system in my story and i see that in a lot of other fics as well, but as someone who has foster siblings i must say, that the system is a blessing for a lot of kids. so here it is mostly a plot device and not something that is a common theme in the foster system (at least here in germany)
> 
> feel free to leave a comment and tell me what you think or say hi on sl1ce-0f-life.tumblr.com :)


End file.
